have a holly jolly...

Christmas tomorrow. I think it will be a good one. I bought more presents for my family than in other years, because I can afford it now that I'm older. That makes me feel good. I know Christmas isn't really about presents, but I like to buy nice things for people I love.

Hmm... what else. Oh, I'll find out soon if I got into college or not. I'll be pretty bummed if I don't get in... not sure what I'll do. My boss has already told me that if I don't go back to school, I can't have my job this summer... and I love that job. So I need to keep it.

I am scared, though. I really hate college. As far as I can tell, both from my experiences and experiences of people I know, college is just an excuse to party until you pass out. An excuse to waste your parents' money, really.

I was thinking yesterday about how I kind of miss pageants. I put on one of my crowns and walked around for awhile with it on. Good times. I don't plan on competing in one anytime soon, at least not one of the "big" ones... I can't pull off a bikini, don't have the talent for Miss America, and am not completely sure of how I feel about the USA system. Maybe a small pageant would be fun, though. What I'd really like is to start coaching, but no one around here really does pageants, so that's unlikely to happen. But we'll see.

Well, I probably won't be back on here for at least a few days... so happy holidays to everyone!!!

when fortune cookies get corrupted

So I ordered Chinese the other night, but forgot about my fortune cookie until now. I'm not one of those people who lives by fortune cookies or horoscopes or any of that stuff, but I always hope they'll say something relevant. Well... not tonight. Apparently one of the nearby colleges has taken over the local restaurant's fortune cookie supply, and tonight my fortune was "Lauren _____, good things will come to you at _____ University." (Or something similar, anyway, though my mom threw it out in a moment of grumpiness when we discovered the other cookie had the same fortune.) For the past couple of years, that school has been randomly picking a senior from one of the local schools and doing an advertising campaign around trying to get that person to come to the school... they've gone from commercials and billboards to fortune cookies now, I guess. They better give me a real fortune next time, as I am certainly not Lauren ____, and I'm definitely not going to _____ University.

Speaking of school, though, I applied to the local branch of the state university, so we'll see what happens there. I took a class there in high school and liked it. I'm trying not to worry about what other people may think about this new development. Sometimes I push my fears onto other people. Also, I may go back to acting class, but we'll see what happens there too.

It's supposed to snow tonight. It's flurrying a little already. I hope it sticks.

necessity

I'm trying to not blame myself, but I know that if I just listened to myself, things might have been different... or not happened at all. I let other people make my decisions, and I end up screwed. But that's only a maybe. Whatever went wrong might have gone wrong anyway, or been worse. Or it could have been something else. I don't want to jinx myself, but it seems that no matter how bad things get for me, at least it's only me, right? I would much rather go through this myself than watch someone else go through it. So there's that.

I was talking to my mom last night, the same conversation we have at least two, three times a year. I have always wanted to be my sister. Everything she does, she does it first and better. Even when she doesn't. I want to do what she does and by the time I get there, the fun is gone. Maybe I would just rather anticipate things than actually do them.

I mean, some things I have done better with, technically. My grades in college (so far) have been better. I tend to have more friends than she does, though not currently. I know she's jealous of my job right now, and she isn't a huge fan of hers. But I still want to be her. And that's silly; it's not like we're six and nine anymore, we're twenty and twenty-three. She just can't do anything wrong in my eyes, or maybe it's that I feel I do everything wrong. Maybe I am just immature, who knows. It's like when we were younger, we used to play together all the time, and then she started slamming her door on me. We're better now, but sometimes I still feel like she slams the door on me. I always need other people more than they need me.

thought of the day

Why do we protect the people who hurt us?


If I ever figure it out, I'll let you know.

human, human of the year...

Why do people think that they are "cooler" (for lack of a better word) based on where they live?


I'm getting sick of the internet. Sick of people posting cruel remarks behind fake names, but playing it like they're trying to help you. This actually hasn't happened to me recently, but I'm fairly sensitive and I hate seeing it happen to other people. I also hate when people take on the "group mentality" and go after whoever they perceive to be an "outsider" for no apparent reason. I think I need to go live alone in a cave or something.

screw you, american express

So I was flipping between House and rebroadcasts of a Phillies game, and I came across this American Express commercial. It had a bunch of celebrities talking about how they wouldn't have succeeded if no one had believed in them. I thought it was semi-offensive, but I probably shouldn't have. There are some people who believe in me. (Most of them are under the age of ten, but they still count.) But just because no one believes in you... that doesn't mean you should give up.


House is kind of lame tonight. The virgin birth thing is kind of cool, though. I guess I'll just keep watching.

if wishes were trees, the trees would be falling

I don't understand all the Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers stuff these days. I think I missed out on the whole listening-to-people-relatively-close-to-my-age-bracket thing when I was young. The closest I got was boy bands, and I didn't particularly love them, I just did whatever my sister did. Part of that was squealing over the Backstreet Boys (but NOT 'Nsync) and hanging Hanson posters on my walls. I was more into R.E.M. and U2 when I was younger. I still am, and although for years I thought I was kind of weird, I'm glad I made those choices. And what's more, I don't understand why all the preschoolers are so obsessed with current music. I mean, when I was four, I listened to Raffi. Now all the little kids are listening to the High School Musical soundtrack and talking about how "Troy is my boyfriendddd." I don't know whether it's cute or creepy. I'm leaning toward cute, but slightly premature. Ten or eleven would be a better age to start, I think.
I was feeling bad before again. Partially because I internalize all the things people say to me, and a lot of those things are negative. But you know what? I'm fine with being the whistleblower... the instigator... the whatever. I was talking to my mom about it, and she gave me some good advice, as per usual. "Some things need to be brought up, and if they piss people off, you know you've done your job." I was thinking that maybe if I do go back to school, I should do journalism. But sometimes I get so bored writing for other people, and I'd be doing a lot of that. Maybe I should write for a newspaper again. I liked doing that, most of the time. Although I will say I don't miss editing my paper in high school. ("But what's wrong with a five-sentence article? Why do I have to 'expand'???")
Oh, on a side note, there is a link between R.E.M., journalism, and me. Yeah, who knew? A few years ago, my uncle the journalist got in trouble at his job for going to an R.E.M. concert. There was even something about it on CNN, if I remember correctly. I might try to find some links later. I guess he's a lawyer now, or something. I should find out. I don't see my extended family as much as I would like to.
I've started to realize that I can't always make people think how I want them to think. Is my opinion always right? Uh... definitely not. If my opinions were right, math in schools wouldn't go beyond addition and subtraction, chocolate milk would be the national beverage, and all females (and, heck, any males who really wanted to...) would have eighties hair and shocking pink lipstick. (A carryover from my pageant past, I suppose. But I really do like big hair and 'fun' makeup. Or at least what I call 'fun.') But sometimes, people are just brainwashed when it comes to certain things. I've been toying around with a book idea that deals with that. I won't give any ideas away here, but it would be a non-fiction book, preferably written with someone with a doctorate or master's or something, about a loss of morals in one area in particular. Yeah... like that explains a lot. Maybe someday I'll go more in depth. Maybe not.
As a throwback to the whole growing up thing, I kind of feel like I should be married already. I know that's not true; I'm only 20, and I work with a fair amount of people who are older than me and not married, so I don't know why I even worry about it. In the past, I just felt immature for not being 3/4 of the way down the aisle by now. Part of me tells myself that I just can't get a boy, but that's not true and I know it. I just can't get a sober one... oops! Yeah, not as fun as it sounds. They've always been drunk and I haven't been. I would like to find someone who shares my morals. I don't want to settle, but I'm starting to feel like that might just happen. I don't want to end up divorced. I don't want to end up trapped with someone I hate. But that's really all I've seen so far.

to let it go, and so, to fade away

People keep telling me I've lost weight. I know I have. A few years ago... well, more than a few now... this would have made me deliriously happy. I say a few because I forget how long it's been. More like five.
Five years ago, I was happy because I was thin. Now I am thin because I am unhappy.
I've been thinking a lot about what might make me happy, but it seems that I trick myself into thinking it's not worth it. Maybe I don't deserve happiness, or I just know that I won't obtain it. Maybe my "glory days" are over. But maybe there's a second chance... if I just let myself take it.
I want to start acting again. I miss it. I know my modeling and pageant days are over, but maybe there's something left for me.
I want to go back to school. I think. I'm scared. But I know it's something I need to do.
I want to move out on my own again.
I want to stop thinking about the people of my past and move on to the people of my future. I hope they're out there and I hope they're good.
I want to keep writing. And I want to publish a book. That may take awhile, but it will happen.
I think these things will make me happy. But the only way to know is to try. I'm scared... but I'll always be scared. I can't let life pass me by while I'm busy being nervous. And I won't.