necessity

I'm trying to not blame myself, but I know that if I just listened to myself, things might have been different... or not happened at all. I let other people make my decisions, and I end up screwed. But that's only a maybe. Whatever went wrong might have gone wrong anyway, or been worse. Or it could have been something else. I don't want to jinx myself, but it seems that no matter how bad things get for me, at least it's only me, right? I would much rather go through this myself than watch someone else go through it. So there's that.

I was talking to my mom last night, the same conversation we have at least two, three times a year. I have always wanted to be my sister. Everything she does, she does it first and better. Even when she doesn't. I want to do what she does and by the time I get there, the fun is gone. Maybe I would just rather anticipate things than actually do them.

I mean, some things I have done better with, technically. My grades in college (so far) have been better. I tend to have more friends than she does, though not currently. I know she's jealous of my job right now, and she isn't a huge fan of hers. But I still want to be her. And that's silly; it's not like we're six and nine anymore, we're twenty and twenty-three. She just can't do anything wrong in my eyes, or maybe it's that I feel I do everything wrong. Maybe I am just immature, who knows. It's like when we were younger, we used to play together all the time, and then she started slamming her door on me. We're better now, but sometimes I still feel like she slams the door on me. I always need other people more than they need me.