don't hold back; trust your gut reaction

Good: finally taking a math test that has been freaking me out for days because it got postponed due to snow, yellow cake with chocolate icing, getting to read the "Kit" American Girl books for work... and are they ever scandalous! I believe she is the first American Girl to go to jail, but correct me if I'm wrong about that...

Bad: my car going in for an inspection and having a leaky exhaust pipe and needing new brakes, having to work ALL DAY tomorrow because I am taking the shift for the "new person" that the boss is going to appoint to fill the spot I wanted and was very very qualified for. =(

More good: I get to observe for teaching soon!! AND I have this 80 hours requirement where I have to work with kids for that amount of time, but because of my job I already have a good portion of it finished... hurray! (Is it hurray or hooray? I think hooray looks funny.) AND, to expand on the good from before (because this will count as part of my requirement), the reason I'm reading the Kit books is that we are having one of the "famous" American Girl parties at work. And boy, are these things intense. We usually take about thirty girls (well, boys can come too, but I think we've only ever had one), and then there are waiting lists and people trying to sneak their kids in and the occasional pleading phone call... sometimes we have to do the same party twice if enough people really want to come. They are soooo much fun, though.

Even more good: "Toddlers and Tiaras" was AWESOME the other night. I was freaking out because I was so excited. I think this was the most positive portrayal of pageants I've ever seen on TV, except for maybe "Made" or one of those shows (but I'm thinking more of glitz pageants.) I didn't think any of the parents came across as particularly overbearing, except maybe Meaghan's mom when she was practicing her routine at the gym (but please, all parents get like that at some point) and Ava's dad when she didn't win (but keep in mind that he had a mic on, so it's not like he was yelling "OMG this freaking sucks"... he was whispering, and he wasn't cruel about it, or saying that the other girls were terrible, or anything.) I'll admit that I actually screamed "YOU GO GIRL" when Rebecca's mom came out in her swimsuit... I was sooo proud of her for having the guts to do that. You can't tell me there's nothing positive about pageants... if you can go out on stage in a swimsuit, particularly when you're middle-aged and not a size two, there is really nothing you can't do. I thought Ava's mom was absolutely beautiful, and Ava was precious. Meaghan was just great... she definitely didn't come across as the snobby pageant kid that most documentaries attempt to portray... she just seemed really normal, and I was glad for that. I didn't have a problem with her mother, I thought she was fine. Ava's dad was hilarious, and I just have a soft spot for pageant dads. And Rebecca was sweet, and as I mentioned earlier, her mom rocked. =D So now I am just waiting for next week, and already getting terrified because I have a feeling next week isn't going to be good. (On a side note, did anyone see the commercial for T&T where the little girl is having pink lip gloss put on her? Does she not look exactly like Brooke Breedwell from back in the day!?)

Wow... I can really get carried away with the pageant stuff. Haha. Speaking of pageants, I never commented on Miss America... and after reading tons of comments online about it, I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably the only person outside of her home state that wanted Miss Iowa to win. I keep seeing that she's "trashy" (she wasn't) and "small-town" (uh, who cares? Plenty of the girls are from small towns, I'm sure.) Indiana wasn't bad, though she was kind of hyped before the pageant and I had a feeling she would win. Georgia just screamed "Miss America" to me and I would have been very pleased if she won. I thought Hawaii should have progressed farther than she did... she was stunning. But overall, a good pageant, even if the whole "reality show" aspect does turn me off a bit...

Okay, I think I'll go try to relax now... and dream about new, non-fifteen-year-old-beat-up-broken-down cars appearing in my garage...

objectivity, anyone?

So tonight the new "Toddlers & Tiaras" airs. For those who don't know, T&T is a show on TLC that follows contestants (usually kids, but there are going to be some adults in the new ones, it seems) in pageant competitions. Of course, since I am one of the 0.0001% of people who supports children's pageantry (and all levels of pageantry, mostly, although I am not a big fan of swimsuit-only pageants), this is where I get to be pissed off. They had some of the kids on the talk shows this morning, and as usual when pageants are portrayed in the media, all objectivity is lost. Isn't that what journalism, and other related areas, are about? Not supporting either side, just trying to show the facts? Yeah, well, when it comes to pageants, that doesn't happen. Why? Well, I'm sure there are many reasons, but lately I've been thinking... it's "politically correct" to say pageants are disgusting and exploit children. If you give any indication that pageants are okay, or even give people the option of deciding for themselves, you might come across as sick or seriously messed up. Because people are brainwashed when it comes to pageants... and they're quite happy being brainwashed.

Whenever I bring up pageants, I expect to get the "JonBenet argument," and nine times out of ten, I do. (The tenth time, people make a weird face and go, "Uh..." and change the subject.) "But pageants are bad because JonBenet died and she was in pageants, so pageants killed her and the audience at pageants is full of pedophiles and the girls are being abused and, and, and..." Let's break this argument down piece by piece:

1) It has NEVER been proven that JonBenet's death had anything to do with pageants. JonBenet did not even compete in that many pageants.

2) The audience at pageants is NOT full of pedophiles. This, more than the whole "pageants killed JonBenet" bit, is what really gets me going. There is no better way to spot an ignorant person than when they make the "pageants are full of pedos" argument. It's very obvious that none of these people have ever been anywhere near a pageant. For the most part, pageant audiences are filled with moms, siblings, and grandmas... now, granted, a woman can be a pedophile, but you know most of the people insisting that pedophiles love pageants are imagining the creepy guy with binoculars in the back of the ballroom. A few more notes about the audience in pageants...
A) Almost always, you MUST have a door pass to get in, and you must wear it at all times. So no creeps are sneaking in and out; if they were, and didn't have a pass, they would be stopped IMMEDIATELY. Sure, pedos can buy a pass, but...
B)... at most pageants, the audience is never particularly full, as there is only one person at a time onstage (except for group lineup), and most other people are running around the hotel, getting everything ready for their turn onstage. Any outsider would be noticed immediately...
C)... because in the pageant world, almost everyone knows everyone. Not only that, but pageant people do love to gossip, and aren't afraid to speak up... so if there was a creep lurking around at pageants, everyone would know in about five seconds, and the pageant moms would boot him out the door and make sure he wasn't able to move for a month.
So, could there be a pedophile at pageants? Well, sure. Anyone could be anywhere. But is it likely? Furthermore, is it likely to the degree that most outsiders assume it is (an audience packed with pedophiles?) No.

3) I guarantee you that at least one child in pageants is being, or has been, abused. I also guarantee you that you can go to a school or mall or other crowded public place and find children there that have never been anywhere near a pageant, but are being abused. Pageants do not equal abuse. Or exploitation. Or any other big bad word that you care to throw around. If putting makeup on children was abuse, dance recitals and competitive cheerleading would be finished. Moms would be arrested for buying Lip Smackers for their third-graders. Oh, and that gets me thinking... hey, if pageants are really that bad? The police KNOW about pageants. The whole world knows about pageants. And yet, they still exist. Hmm...

So, if someone was willing to see things from another angle, my argument might actually make sense to them. But, as I've learned over the years, no one is willing to see things in any way other than their own. I can't tell you how many times I've told people these exact same things, and they either just stare at me for a few moments and then say, "You're sick/messed up/crazy," or start all over again, "But pageants are baaaaad/abuse/exploitation..." Like I said, people enjoy being brainwashed. It's certainly easier to go with what the media says about pageants than to come to your own conclusion.

good vs. bad part 2

More good/bad for yesterday...

Good: Obama's inauguration, really interesting classes

Bad: Getting pulled over two blocks from home for running a stop sign THAT DOES NOT EXIST. Not only has there not been a stop sign there for years, I stopped anyway because it's a dangerous intersection... and STILL got pulled over. Awesome. Although the other time I got pulled over, it was when I had my permit and I was "driving two miles too slow" and "looked like an old lady having a heart attack." Uh... I was 16, how do 16-year-olds look like old ladies having heart attacks?! Yeah. Good times. And at least I didn't get a ticket either time... !!!

good vs. bad

Good: Going back to school... and loving it!
Bad: First official rejection on a story (unofficial being stuff I submitted for school publications, I suppose)... boo!

More later =)

goodbye future

So there's a 95% chance that I won't get to go to college now. Yeah. And not because I was rejected, but because I was lied to and screwed over. Good times. I seriously just don't think college is for me... I mean, I've always done well grades-wise, but someone or something is trying to tell me to give up already. It is just not meant to work out for me. But what can I even do? What do you do when you're a writer and your life is a mess? Well, we all know the answer to that; you either become an alcoholic/drug addict (not my scene) or move to New York (definitely not my scene, as I've already lived there before.) I seriously feel like there is just nothing I can do. I'm tied down to everything, even when there's seemingly nothing holding me back. What about California? Well, for me, that's clear across the country, and my mom would faint if I told her I was moving there... and then pretty much tie me up to make sure I don't go. Of course, she said I could never move to New York, and I did that, so we'll see. But do I even want to go there? I don't think I want to move to LA... maybe San Francisco, that could be nice. But, yet again, I've heard that the environment I escaped in New York is extremely prevalent there, and there's no point going back to that again. The "artist's" (I know not everyone thinks of writers as artists) life just seems to be not for me.

Time to go figure out what to do with my life...

donde esta?

Oh dear, my readers are gone =(

Well, I had a vote on a different site, and the title for my story is "Saving My Sister's Halo." I also submitted it somewhere, so we'll see what happens there. I might submit something to another site too, but we'll see what happens with that.

On a dramatic note, I am going to DIE. Not just because I have a headache that keeps coming back and feels like it's right behind my eye (and it alternates eyes every day, I swear)... but because college starts next Monday, and they STILL haven't told me if I got in yet. Yeah, that's a little on the late side. Granted, I probably should have applied earlier, but in my defense, I was told I would get an answer sooner than this... so I guess we all messed up a little. Well, as long as they let me know today or tomorrow (preferably today, but I expect it'll be tomorrow) I will be happy. And, also, as long as no one makes any snarky comments about my new school... but we all know how people are.

Well, I better go to work. I don't even want to get started on all the drama there... can anyone say 'job sabotage'? Ha... fun times, only NOT.

Want to pick a title for my story?

Dear (very few, but very awesome) readers...

Want to have a say in the title of a short story... one written by me? Well, you can! I am planning on submitting this story to magazines (well, at least one, I'm still looking into others) within the week, but I need a title. Please leave a comment with your vote! The choices are:

One Memory A Day
Something to Go By
Getting Rid of My Sister’s Halo
The Only Heart-Shaped Headstone
Saving My Sister’s Halo
My Sister’s Halo
First Grade with a Headpiece

Please only vote for ONE title. It messes up the vote if some people vote for one, and others vote for like three. If you hate all of the titles, let me know that as well, but please don't suggest your own title... I don't like the idea of "stealing" a title someone else provided. The original title was "Something to Go By," in case you were wondering, but I'm not totally sure about that. Thanks for voting!

EDIT: Vote is over! "Saving My Sister's Halo" won!

here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown...

Okay, I'm not as suicidal as I sound, I promise. I've decided (at least for tonight) to try to make the best of things. I am working on cleaning up some of my short stories, and planning on sending out at least one of them during the week. I am also thinking about doing a pageant this summer... it would give me lots of time to prepare. I'm not sure if I should use one of my old gowns or buy a new one (I have like... seven... maybe more? haha), but I'm leaning toward getting a new one. That will definitely cheer me up... I LOVE gown shopping. Seriously, it's the only thing I miss about high school... shopping for prom and semiformal gowns. I should probably become a special event personal shopper for as much as I love it, but not everyone wants to wear pink puffy dresses all the time. (But to my credit, I only own one pink puffy gown... I resisted the urge to buy more. As in, I also have a straight pink dress and a puffy coral one, for a little variety. Haha.)

And as for school, I find out this week if I get in or not. And if I do get in, I'm going to give up on all the negative perceptions and bad ideas I have about it... I already know I like the school, so I'm not going to worry about what people there will think of me, or what other people will think of me going there. It's a step in the right direction, and if other people don't realize that and want to make their little comments, they can feel free. Every little comment they make is a step in the wrong direction... toward HELL. Haha, I crack myself up... sometimes.

new year, same me

I try to tell myself things will get better, but I need to be realistic. I'm not good enough for myself, and I'm certainly not good enough for anyone else. Everyone knows that I've failed and it's over. I need to stop dreaming... it's over.