it's so strange, it's something new

I need to find a way to get some higher self-esteem. Case in point... I got a test back today, and I was sure that I had done fairly well, at least a B or so. Well, then the professor says that only three people got As, and that a ton of people failed or came close to it... so I'm mentally panicking, thinking I got an F. Well, I get my test back and it's an A. Why do I doubt myself? I knew that I knew the material.


The other night was interesting. We had our anniversary party at work, an event where everyone dresses semi-fancily and there are lots of drinks and food and board members. I actually had a really nice outfit to wear, so that was exciting. The party, however... well. Kind of crowded, kind of a lot of people at least twice my age. (I don't mind talking to people twice my age, but whenever my mom is around all conversation reverts to, "Ohh! So this is your baby!" Either that, or I spend five minutes explaining that I am really not my sister.) So I hid in the back and read Craigslist missed encounters for awhile. Also, my boss and I were dressed alike! It's kind of creepy how we always wear the same colors. So anyway, it was a decent time, mostly just because I got to dress up, and because how if you think Craiglist missed encounters from wherever you live are funny, you have GOT to see the ones from where I live. Not that I'll ever tell you where I live, but let's just say there is a fair amount of "I saw you at the bar/funeral home/church and you had a perm and a stonewashed fringed miniskirt..."

Oh, and I am totally kind of in like with someone. Oops. Can this please end well for once?

how long to sing this song?

There are things I'm not allowed to speak of. Things I can't say because of the place I have put myself in. Am I bad? Should I speak what I know? If you knew something that could hurt a lot of people, not physically but in so many other ways... would you tell them? Even if someone might retaliate against you? I know what I should do. And I know that I probably won't do it.

you've been starring in my dreams...

I can't decide if I like dreaming or hate it. I mostly like my dreams while I'm asleep, but then when I wake up I miss them so much that it isn't worth it to have them at all. I had some wacky dreams last night, though. The first dream I had was... I dreamed a horror movie. Like, there was a horror movie going on in my head, and I have no idea why. I knew while I was dreaming it that I should be scared, but I woke up and I wasn't scared at all. I don't remember much of it, but if you've ever played the game "Night Trap," the villains kind of looked like the ones from there. The plot wasn't the same, though, from what I recall. And there wasn't an awesome theme song to go with it.

Then I dreamed that I was back in grade school, except classes were being held in a grocery store that I used to go to as a little kid. The only correlation I can see there is that my first grade teacher also worked at that supermarket, but I'm not sure if I dreamed about it for that reason. I knew that I had been there in my dreams before, because it felt so familiar. That happens to me a fair amount; I go to the same place in my dreams, though usually it isn't a place that really exists. It is usually a store, though. I guess I'm in consumer mode even in my dreams...

But usually, my dreams aren't scary-esque or just plain weird. They're usually really, really nice and happy. I think that that should tip me off; if things seem unusually good, then I should know it's time to wake up. I dream about other people a lot, but never in a way that would make sense... I don't usually start dreaming about people until a few years after I last see them or actually spend time with them. And I don't miss them in my dreams, or in real life... we just have fun in my dreams. (A chaste kind of fun, you know.) But in real life, people usually screw me over. And often, the people I dream about are no longer in my life for that reason. I think my dreams would be better if I remembered that and bitch-slapped them. I'll have to try to include that in my next dream.

are these words distraction to the words you want to hear?

Watched "Toddlers and Tiaras" last night. The show could probably use a new name, considering the youngest girl they followed was... what, 7? But I really liked all the girls and the moms. I thought Madison was so pretty... I loved her hair! I loved her dress too. I hope she does get a coach... those arms swinging all over the place in her (sportswear? casualwear? what were they calling it?) walk did not help her chances. The prissy walking coach was awesome too. Prissy walk is crazy and I love it... I'll admit I tried it a few times to see if I could still do it (needless to say, no one 'prissy walked' back when I competed, but I taught myself for the hell of it... haha) and I could! I have to admit, the crazier pageants get, the more fun they are. And watching last night really really made me want to do a pageant, though maybe not "Miss Chitlin Strut" (aka Miss Pig Intestine... EW! And here I was thinking 'chitlin strutting' was a way of walking!) Not a hardcore pageant, maybe just a tiny one. Too bad there are really no festival/hometown pageants around here... one I've aged out of (and it was a very odd breakdown... ages 12-19 in the Miss category? WHAT!?) and that was pretty far away... the others are even farther. I think there are some a couple of hours away in the late spring/summer... maybe I'll give one of those a try? Who knows. Or maybe I'll talk myself out of it yet again and feel miserable about it yet again.

There was more I wanted to say, but I never really get around to it. I read some stuff about bullying and it really took me back... and not in a good way. If I feel like getting even more depressed, maybe I'll talk about that later.

experimentation

For those of you who have never seen me (which is, most likely, everyone), I've been compared to Disney's version of Snow White. I even had the haircut, though it's grown out now. Since my hair is black, I've never dyed it anything other than the original shade (because my hair is going white, which is another story for another time), but I've always wanted to dye it blonde. I've decided that someday, when I am very, very brave, I am going to...

1) Dye my hair blonde. Not platinum blonde, but a lighter blonde.
2) Get a spray tan.
3) Get tips put on my nails.
4) Wear something very, very unlike me. I haven't quite figured out what that would be yet, but it would probably involve five-inch heels and a fun dress or skirt in a bright color.
5) See what happens.

I don't think it would look terrible, considering I'm very pale anyway (although the spray tan would negate the issue.) It would be very unfortunate when my roots start to show, though, and my eyebrows are black, sooo...

Would it make me feel any better? That's mostly the reason I want to do it, that and a touch of curiosity. The more I hide myself, the more I try, the better I feel. I see other girls show up to class in sweats, and I wish I could do that, but I'd feel terrible about myself if I did. So I'd rather go to the other extreme... cover myself up and see if it helps. I suppose it's worth a try.

i heart valentine's day

Reasons why I loved Valentine's Day:

1) I got really cute, nice, fun things. Like candy, and a really sweet card, AND a Snuggie! For those who aren't well versed in random "as seen on TV" items, a Snuggie is a long blanket with sleeves. And it's awesome. I have it on right now, and I'm warm and happy and typing... yay!
2) Our American Girl party went amazingly today... the kids were soooo cute and it was really low-stress and fun. And we had a waiting list so long that we get to have another party next month!
3) A little boy I babysit for is getting his Make-A-Wish day! (He had a stroke when he was a baby and has had tons of medical problems since then.) I am soooo happy for him and he deserves it so much. And he picked the cutest things for his "big day"... a trip to a local restaurant for breakfast (and he'll be traveling by limo... yay!), then he's going to an electronics store and getting some really fun stuff, including a Wii. I know he's going to have an awesome time and I'm really thrilled about it.

Reasons why I didn't:

1) My boss made me grumpy. (Just a note for the future-- sometimes I refer to two separate people as my boss. Technically, there is *my* boss-- the one in charge of me-- and then there's *her* boss, who is basically in charge of everyone. Just know that if I post nice, happy things about the person, it's usually *my* boss, and anything grumpy I post is mainly about the other one.) There were multiple things she said to piss me off, but my "favorite" one is when she told me I was "too moral to live." She did take it back and say she had meant it to refer to someone else, but she didn't bring up that person until much later, so I don't believe her. Sorry if I have morals... someone's got to!

Hmm. I really need to study math. That's about to make me grumpy. But maybe if I keep on my Snuggie and consume some chocolate hearts, it won't make me quite as grumpy...

praxis woes

So in order to get "entrance to major" at my school, which basically means a list of things you have to do and if you don't d0 them correctly and on time you can't get the degree in the major you want there, you have to take the Praxis tests. Unfortunately, I'm having the worst time trying to sign up for them. My school suggests you take the computerized test, which is what I wanted to do anyway, so I needed to make an appointment. For the computerized test, you can't sign up online, only over the phone. So I called the local test center, and all they have is a message that says "you need to sign up online!" So I go to the website they suggested, and it says... guess what... you can't sign up online. It says "call your test center or our 800 number!" Since the test center told me I couldn't register there, I call the 800 number... and all I hear is "jdvgndigujowszvlsv!" Well, that's what it sounded like... I couldn't even decipher one WORD of what they were saying. I think it was a recording, because if not it was just a human robot with an inability to speak english. So my brain exploded and I hung up. I really hope I figure this out soon, because due to my transferring I have to pass the tests by the end of this semester... eek!!

There's a dance coming up for work, and I was realllly excited because I love dances. This one is at a local social club, and it's a benefit for our library. Sadly it was only 21+, but my boss said she would get me in. Hurray! But then... I learned that it involved REAL dancing. Like, jitterbug and waltz and all that stuff. Which I cannot do (the only "real" dance I've ever learned was polka, and I don't remember any of it), and I don't have a partner anyway. So no dance for me... sigh.

But... in non-frustrating news... I'm doing really well in school. And my professors heart me... I think. Muahahaha. And, in really cool news, my mom got this bag thing that you can put all your gowns into, and it compresses them so that a zillion puffy gowns can fit into one large bag. So no longer will they take over my dad's closet (they wouldn't fit in mine... haha...) I couldn't even believe they were my gowns when I saw how small that bag was and how tiny they looked. I can pretend they are that tiny because I am a size double zero, but sadly... not so much. ;)

Also, my novel is going awesomely. (I doubt that's a word... but I like it anyway...) I felt like it was bad, but then I re-read what I have done so far and saw that it did indeed "flow" and make sense. I love my main character. I'd totally marry her if A) she was real, and B) if I was a lesbian, and C) if that was legal in my state. Scandalous, right!? However, I noticed that in 85 pages, I had only included one physically present male and just a few mentions of guys in general. Luckily some guys came along in the next couple of pages, because I was starting to worry that I just could not write males. It's not so much that I can't write them, as much as I just... won't. There are never any dads in my stories, and it's not even necessarily that people are divorced or single or anything... it's like there were never any men in my characters' lives at all. I should probably fix that. Hey, my one writing professor said I had "mom issues", but I'd have to say it's more like "dad issues"... or men-in-general issues...

And for my final statements of the day:

1) I know I promised to write about Michael Phelps and everything, but not just yet. I will say that you MUST read Michael Wilbon's column from the Washington Post about it. A lot of people are slamming Wilbon for being on his "high horse," but I agree with every word he says. My favorite parts were when he said that not everyone smoked pot in college, and that it's NOT okay just because "everyone else is doing it." Read the article here: http://http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/03/AR2009020303468.html, because he summed up my feelings so perfectly that I don't even need to say anything else about this.

2) I want new pictures. I was looking at my last set (from 2006) and they are HILARIOUS. My favorite one is the sleazy black-and-white glamour shot where I've looking over my semi-bare shoulder (semi-bare because my jacket is like, falling off... AWESOME.) I need some nice grown-up non-seductive ones... but we'll see about that.

Okay, I'm off to attempt this Praxis thing again...

is that all you want from me?

Well, since I don't have class til four today, I do have time to comment on some of the things I touched on yesterday... and maybe some more, if I feel like it...

1) Toddlers and Tiaras, "Miss Georgia Spirit"... random thoughts. I think I'll put them in list form, just because I do love my lists:
1) Dear Marleigh's mother... STOP letting your two-year-old hit you! Yes, it is the terrible twos, but there's a difference between a kid saying "no" all the time and actually smacking you! Time for some discipline (and no, not spanking or anything, I don't believe in that... just, how about laying down some rules and having consequences?) I didn't really like Marleigh's mom that much, but I also don't like seeing people get smacked around by their kids. I DO think Marleigh at least likes pageants somewhat, because she seemed to be having fun onstage, but she didn't seem to be interested in getting her nails done or her lipstick on or anything. So... if she was my kid... I'd either take her out of pageants until she was three or so and then see if she was more interested, OR let her do the occasional natural pageant where she doesn't need any makeup or anything, or just find her a new hobby...
2) I really, really loved Kayleigh. She was adorable. Her family was sweet. I was pulling for her to win... until she actually got onstage. She wasn't making good eye contact and seemed kind of scared. Her swimsuit didn't do much for me, either, although as I said in my last entry I LOVED her dress!
3) Story was cute. I loved all of her outfits, although I thought Kayleigh's dress was prettier than hers. I loved when she meditated, and her brother was hilarious with the "I'm not the weatherman" thing.
4) I thought this episode would be a wreck, and except for the RIDICULOUS "oops we made a mistake and we crowned the wrong girl"/"well we didn't really like Story..." thing, it wasn't that bad. Marleigh's mom didn't make pageant moms look all that great, but Story's mom and coach and Kayleigh's mom and aunt seemed fine and weren't pushy or anything. I will say that I hope that system goes right down the tubes, because WHO in their right mind talks about their winner (Story) like that?? Also read somewhere else where one of the director's husbands was a judge, which is a huge conflict of interest, but who knows if that's true...

2) House, "The Greater Good." I think that since one of the last episodes was called "Painless", this one should have been called "Painful," because it was just that... painful to watch. I loved Thirteen's whole "Oh no. I am blind. This is good because now I can get some more mileage out of my blank stare. Oh hey Foreman, I can see you! Because of course I call my boyfriend by his last name... soooo romantic..." Also, Cuddy is just mean now, and what is it with everyone wanting kids?? First Cuddy gets the baby, then Thirteen wants kids, now Taub? I'm not a big fan of analyzing a writer's work by focusing on them, but I think somebody on the writing staff really really wants a baby... I do really like Taub's wife though. I hope we see more of her. And bring back Cameron, I heart her. Also, although I am not the biggest fan of him, I do think we should be seeing more Chase. I know their 100th episode wasn't supposed to be anything special, but I would be sad if I were on a show and I didn't even get included in such a milestone episode...

3) I will talk about the "Curse of Getting Involved" in a later entry, because I have some non-Internet-related stuff I need to get done. Also I will possibly talk about Michael Phelps and how I really hate when people smoke pot...

somebody's eyes are watching...

I love my little blog contraption thing that lets me see who's hitting on my blog. (Is that the right term? I've seen it used before, but now that I read it, it sounds like someone is flirting with/"propositioning" my blog, and that can't be right...) Since I explained that very poorly, just look to the right of my entries and you'll see it... it lists the locations where people who found my blog are from. It's really exciting to see people looking from around the country, and even from other countries. =D So, if you stumble across my blog, say hi! I heart lurkers... (and on a random note, did anyone ever read the Georgia books? With that British girl? Didn't she call zits "lurkers"? Well, in that case, maybe I don't heart lurkers...)

I have class in an hour, so I probably won't have time to say as much as I'd like, but just as a reminder to myself, I need to/want to comment on a couple of things at some point...

1) Toddlers & Tiaras, "Miss Georgia Spirit" (Is it really wrong to covet a six-year-old's dress? Creepy maybe, but oh my gosh, Kayleigh's blue gown was BEAUTIFUL... and even though I do love writing, please remind me not to name any of my future children Story...)

2) House, "The Greater Good/Thirteen Goes Blind, Foreman Is A Zombie, And Where The Hell Are Cameron And Chase!?" (I better get out my lifejacket and start praying, because I think we're about to "jump the shark"...)

3) The Curse of Getting Involved... this deals with me and things I've noticed about my past, although it also sounds like a great name for a self-help book on how to just say no...


Also, does anyone have any advice on how to make my blog look cute and fun? I saw a header on someone else's blog... it was adorable, with her blog title in a nice font and pictures of her kids and stuff. Obviously I won't be using pictures of my nonexistent children, but I would love a header of my own, so any advice would be great...

On a side note, the more I see of the world, the less I like it... and the more I learn, the more scared I get... how unfortunate is that? Maybe I'll expand more on that later as well, but Infant and Child Development is calling my name...

where do we go from here? where to go...

I definitely made the right choice as far as college goes. I'm so happy I transferred. There's the occasional hour/day/whatever when I have my "I'm a failure" moment, but I'm trying to tell myself that no one really thinks that other than me. I really like my school, and the professors are amazing... they just know so much. Plus it's way cheaper than my old school was.

I've been trying to write, but I'm majorly stuck with my "novel" (not just exactly what it is just yet...) I'm at 87 pages and I have no clue what to do next. I'm also not sure how I should market it once it gets done... I'm thinking it's more young adult? Who knows. I'll concentrate on finishing it first. I'm also missing the abstract stuff I used to write, so maybe I'll try some of that soon.

Another episode of Toddlers and Tiaras is on tonight. I have never heard of Miss Georgia Spirit before, so this will be completely new for me. I was looking at the TV listings, and apparently an upcoming episode is called "The Chitlin' Strut." Um... what? Is that the name of the pageant? What is a chitlin', and how does it strut? Or are you supposed to strut *like* a chitlin'? I can strut with the best of them, but not like a chitlin'. Hmm... oh, but this is further incentive to finish my novelly-type thing, because it involves glitz pageants, and apparently those are popular right now... there's Toddlers and Tiaras, and Little Miss Perfect is starting soon, I believe (unless it started already... I don't even think I get that channel... oh well.) One of the cool things about all of these shows is that (I hope) if people get used to seeing pageants, they'll stop thinking of them as sick and weird and just think of them as a hobby that some people enjoy, like sports or dance or music. We'll see...