he sits there choking on what they say...

One speech down, two to go! We haven't gotten our grades yet, but I think I did pretty well. The weather has been ridiculous lately... usually cold, but always gray and rainy, it seems. I think that's why I'm in such a bad mood all the time now. Well, not really all the time... I'm happy at school, and then I get home and it's like all my happiness is gone. Years ago, it would have been the exact opposite.


You know what else makes me happy? New clothes. I'm not sure that's a good thing. It means that I'm probably going to go poor sometime soon. At least I get most of my clothes at Target, so I guess I won't go that poor...??


I need to get my story finished. It's at like... 122 pages right now. I thought I'd end it around 150, but now I'm thinking maybe 160 or 170. I don't think I can wrap it up at 150. My goal is to have it completely finished by the end of June... so that means I would finish writing the ending around the middle of June, and then edit it for the rest of the month. And then, well, we'll see... I thought up a title that I like not too long ago, so I'm feeling really good about it. =)

are you calling me darling?

I have to give my first speech tomorrow! Well... hopefully tomorrow. I totally thought I had to give it today for some reason-- I think I thought today was tomorrow-- and I wore my new green dress! But that's okay, I still have my puffed-sleeve blouse and black skirt for tomorrow. However, if we run out of time and I have to go another day, I'll have nothing to wear. Instead of me imagining them in their underwear..........!!!


It's soooo cold out today, I had to wear tights before. At the end of May! Just last week I was wearing my short sleeveless dress and no tights, and I wasn't cold at all. Now, I'm freezing.


Is it wrong to want to buy more dresses? Like, a million more? Maybe if I clean out my wardrobe and only buy dresses from now on, it will be okay... it can just be my "thing," since I no longer wear headbands that often. Oh, and don't leave your favorite headband (well one of them) in your car, a word to the wise, cause it melted!! Not all of it, but I guess the inner part was plastic, and... yuck. But I have a similar one, although it's not quite as lovely. I don't wear my Keds much anymore either... my pink ones shrunk, and I'm kind of over the frog ones, although I still love the polka dot ones. So I am no longer the "headband and Keds" girl, and I need something new. Kind of an expensive new "thing," though... but maybe it's not so bad, because if you wear a dress, it's only one piece, and you could easily spend twice as much on jeans and a nice shirt. I love being able to justify things to myself. Well, except for California... that's one thing I won't be able to justify. =(

so break me to small parts, let go in small doses...

I'm feeling bad for people I barely know, and for people I never knew at all. My cousin's niece's roommate was murdered by her father, along with her mother and little sister, probably about a month ago. My cousin just found out, and she told us. I only met the niece a couple of times; at parties, I think. I can't remember her, although my mother described her for me. I just read an article on CNN about the rise in murder-suicides, and I probably read about this at some point but I never thought that anyone I knew might be personally affected. I never got along with my roommate, but I certainly wouldn't have wanted her to die. I can't even imagine... her half of the room, full of everything she owns, and she's not coming back and she had no idea. How do you sleep in there? How do you pass your finals after that?


They always say you should tell the people you care for that you care for them, but you really can't. Most people aren't thinking in terms of possible death, and they'll stare at you like you have six heads or think you're in love with them. I wish I could tell everyone I love how much I love them. I know that when I die, if it's slow and I have time to think-- I know I'll be regretting that. But I'm not brave enough to take precautions.

i think sarah's pit bull escaped...

Funny story. So I get home from work tonight, and my mom is talking on the phone. I can hear the person on the other end, and from what I piece together, one of our neighbors has called because she saw my dog and was wondering if it had escaped. Nice, right? Except I don't have a dog... and, as my mom later deduced from the conversation, the woman who called actually lived a couple towns over. But she asked for me by name, because she was convinced my pit bull had escaped. I don't have a dog, and if I did, I'm willing to bet it would not be a pit bull. So that was my bit of fun for the night, because the season finale of NCIS was so NOT fun! Sigh. It was definitely better than House, though... but, sadly, most things these days are.


I'm thinking of getting a DVR. I know they're expensive, but there's a ton of random shows I always hear about that sound interesting (usually on TLC or some such) and then I'm never able to watch them, either because I'm busy or not home. I don't watch that many shows normally, but it would be nice to be able to record Phillies games when I'm not home and then watch them when I have the time. Also, I could actually watch Cold Case, which I never do because I am perpetually busy on Sunday nights. And it would solve the problem of the 1/2 of the season when House and NCIS are on different channels at the same time. Maybe as a reward to myself for my 3.8 GPA... yay! So I started looking up information, but if anyone has any experience with DVRs, please let me know... I'm feeling a little clueless.


My speech class is going well so far. And work is good too. We had special needs storytime tonight, and the kids are soooo cute and awesome. I definitely need to find out more about picking up that special education minor. Also, it will be warm tomorrow (it's been pretty cold lately, although it did warm up some this afternoon) and maybe I can wear one of my new dresses! Life is awesome.

the ghost in the itunes, and other random excitement

There is a ghost in my iTunes. Well, I think there is, anyway. It's not set on repeat, but for some reason, whenever I play a song today, it automatically skips to Elliott Smith's "Speed Trials." Which is a great song, but I don't feel like listening to it nonstop, so...


My summer class starts tomorrow! It's speech, and I think it will be fun, but every time I tell someone I'm taking it, they're all "oh I hated speech" or "oh my gosh aren't you so scared!?!?" Well... no. I like giving speeches. My only real concern is that after listening to 15 speeches in a row, I might fall asleep or something...


I bought some fun summer clothes yesterday. I also realized that it if weren't for Target, I would either be poor or unclothed (more likely poor, because I'd be stuck at the Gap.) Can I just say how much I love dresses???? Seriously. All of the shorts I tried on were ridiculously low-waisted. The dresses are way more comfortable and prettier, too.


And I also love Wii Fit. I love a lot of things these days!

stalking isn't sexy

Okay. You know that commercial where the guy keeps sending the girl text messages from all over the world, with pictures of him and "Hi from..."? And it has that "I'm falling for you" song in it? Well, I know it because it's becoming quite possibly the most overplayed commercial ever. And the other day I was talking to someone, I don't even remember who, about it, and they said they thought it was cute. Well... IT'S NOT. Stalking is not sexy. That part at the end where he texts the picture of her to her!?!? So not cute, and so very creepy. I would not be running into his arms, I would be running AWAY and calling the police.

So, potential suitors, just a note: Reenact that commercial, and you'll be in handcuffs, but not in the way you had hoped...

hey, you! get off of my cloud!

Newsflash:

YOU'RE NOT PERFECT EITHER.

Far from it, really. So kindly SHUT UP and deal with your own life, because you have no place in mine.


/end rant


=)

my riches can't buy everything...

61st post. Congratulations, me.

I have this idea that everyone else's life is like... some road somewhere, and they're just a car going along. And they might break down, or they might take a wrong turn, but eventually they're going to get there. And me? I never even made it out of the garage. The road might be out there, or it might not be, but I can't even get the door to go up to let me out. Cliches and metaphors abound tonight.


Apparently five-year-olds think I'm pretty, but why can't twentysomethings? And if some certain twentysomethings did think I was pretty, how would I even know? I will never fully let myself accept that some people may sometimes find me pretty. It's odd, considering my preteen/early teen years and the acting and modeling and pageants, the years when my looks made up most of what mattered and when someone told me I was pretty, I knew they were right. But now? I have no idea, now. I've tortured myself so much for so long that I don't think I will ever fully believe anything good about myself.


I feel some catharsis coming on. I hope it's soon...

lie, lie better next time...

Can someone please explain to me why Miss California USA still has her title? Well, I know why; if policies were actually enforced, we'd have all the whining that "but Tara got to keep her title and what she did was worse... and OMG she's only losing her title because she spoke out against gay marriage... boohoo..." What I don't think a lot of people realize is that when you win a title of this caliber, it becomes your JOB. Everyone has certain things they need to do for their jobs; going to meetings, giving speeches, or whatever your job description requires. Carrie has been missing pageant appearances in order to promote her views on marriage. This was not the Miss Christian America pageant (although, yes, there is one), and while that might be acceptable there, it isn't here. Do your job, and if there's time left over, then go out and promote. If I decide to leave work later to give a speech on how I wish Donald Trump would have stood up and done the right thing, I wouldn't have a job to come back to... because that is not part of my job. I can, however, write a blog entry about it on my own time. See the difference?

Also, poor first runner-up. Oh, Tami. This must have been a heck of a few weeks for you. You have already proven that you can handle titles, and I'm sure you would have done quite well with this one.

Okay, on to a new topic. SPOILER ALERT... if you haven't seen the season finale of House yet, do NOT keep reading!! (unless you want to...)






WHAT. A. HORRENDOUS. EPISODE.

Seriously. You cannot give us 45 minutes (minus an endless amount of commericials) of scraps from the cutting room floor strung together haphazardly, and then give us 15 decent minutes with a great ending, and think that that makes up for it. IT DOESN'T.

Also, for the wedding scene, all I could think was: poor, poor Jesse and Jennifer. That must have been beyond awkward for you.

And Wilson and House have more chemistry than Cuddy and House ever did. Enough said.




/spoilers


Okay. Also, I got my final grade, an A-... yay 3.8 GPA!!! And I went to the Phillies game, and we lost but it was still so much fun. And I went to my first hockey game ever, and it was pretty exciting, and they won! So yay for that. Also, I started my summer job yesterday, and I'm glad to be back. Life is good these days.

they say they know me, but they only know my name...

School is over. Well, I'm taking a summer class, but only one so I'm not really counting that. Five of my six grades are in... four As and one B+. I have no idea how I managed that, but I'm really glad I did. I'm glad about a lot of things, actually. Glad for the school, and the people I met there, and my summer job, and the fact that I'm going to a Phillies game on Saturday!! Phillies vs. Braves. I know we're all about the Mets rivalry now, but I will always dislike the Braves a lot more... I think it has something to do with the tomahawk chop. ;)

I am so excited about my life, but I still have those feelings of negativity and doubt. They're not as bad, but it's hard for me to make them go away. The stuff that I feel so bad about happened years ago, and it said more about other people than it did about me, but... I want to be perfect, and it's hard when things are so close to perfect but they don't quite get there. Things are really good now, though, and that's what I need to keep the focus on. It's always been hard for me to accept that some things can't be fixed, but the sooner I understand that, the better.

But for now, all good things. My grades are good, and my sister and her boyfriend are visiting this weekend, and I'm going to the most beautiful place on earth tomorrow (aka Citizens Bank Park), and my mom is buying me lunch today! And, hopefully, I can sell some of my textbooks back today and make a little money, because they wouldn't take the ones I tried to sell back yesterday. =( Anyone know any good websites to sell back books on, other than ebay?

More in a few days, maybe...