i found that secret door...

My life has gotten so amazing, I can't even believe it. I have so much hope it's about to start pouring out of my ears... well, maybe not, but you know what I mean. Everything has gotten so, so good. My moments of doubt are fewer and farther between now. For years, people have been telling me that I am good, and I am finally starting to believe it. I wish I had figured that out years ago.

My one professor told me today that she thinks I should become a college professor. Interesting. I love little kids, and I always said I would never teach high school-age students, but college... maybe. We'll see. It could be interesting.

I also want to do research. I have so many ideas, so many different things I want to do... I don't know how to do them all, but I want to find out. I thought twenty was too old to start figuring things out, but I think it's right on time.

they'll never replace me, i'll be back...

Can I just say that I'm really glad that no one has made a documentary on my life? I'm really glad that no one has made a documentary on my life. (At least not yet.) There; I said it.

don't go too far, stay who you are...

Life has been good lately. The wedding was fun and amazing and I really wish my cousins lived closer. The audition went well; there were a ton of people there, and I'm not expecting to hear back from them, but it was still a great experience. School is almost over, which is awesome. I had a hilarious conversation with my mother last night, during which my father entered the room and she asked him, "Where did you meet your first gay person? In the army?" Oh, Mom...

Can I just say I am so over the whole Miss California thing? I really am. Her answer was borderline nonsensical, and that has nothing to do with the fact that she doesn't support gay marriage. It was an opinion question, and she answered it, but she did not answer it well. (Hint: The judges aren't interested in what your family thinks, and I could go on about the beginning of her answer...) If her opinion had really been held against her, there is no way she would have come in first runner-up. Perez is ridiculous (in a bad way), but I don't think she was scored badly because of her actual opinion, or she suddenly would have jumped to fourth runner-up. Miss North Carolina is adorable and I'm glad she won.

Well, I have one more class to schedule, so I'm off...

it's down to me...

Do you ever feel that if you talk about something-- make it real, or acknowledge it-- that it just won't happen? I feel like that right now. But I should feel pretty good. Class was cancelled today, and my sister is coming home, and it's (almost) Easter. All good things. But the most exciting thing... the thing I'm afraid to make real, because I want it so much... is on Monday. On Monday, I have an audition. And it will go well, because it needs to go well. I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and this needs to be the reason.

So I need to figure out what to wear to that. And also, what to wear to the wedding that's coming up very soon. And I can't stop thinking about thigh-high boots, but somehow I feel like that would be appropriate for neither occasion. It's funny; we were talking about attention in my child development class yesterday, and the professor started asking the girl in front of me what she was thinking about. And she said something normal, like how she had to go to work later. I was just glad she didn't call on me; "thigh-high tan leather boots" would have been a very odd answer to that question.

So now I have things to do later, things to take my mind off the things I don't want to think about. I need to shop tomorrow, and buy an outfit (or two) and shoes (or twelve) because there is an amazing shoe sale at the store I'm going to. (Maybe I'll get my boots... yeah, not likely...) I also need to set up my GPS, because I can't afford to get lost on my way to the audition. And I should get a haircut, because I've been putting it off for months, but I know I won't do that. Trichotillomania is not really conducive to a good haircutting experience, and I also don't want to be told "OMG honey you need to dye your hair!!!!!!! You can't be 20 years old and going white!" Yeah, sorry, I am. Deal with it. I have.

somedays aren't yours at all

Someday...

I will be able to separate other people's opinions of me from my opinions of myself.

I hope it's someday soon.

when you're haunted by the demons that will never let you rest...

There is no point. Really there isn't. I've worked so hard, tried to tell myself it was okay, that I was okay, that I was worth something... all for nothing. Because really, the point of it is, it does not matter what you think of yourself. It is all about what others think of you. And no one is EVER going to let me think, even for a minute, that I'm worth something. I don't want to kill myself, really I don't, but what else is there and someday I won't be able to stop myself.