oh so random

I really, really want to eat ice right now. Not one of the little rectangular chunks in my freezer... the "crunchy" kind you get in those big bags from the store. I totally wanted to buy one when I was out shopping the other night, but I don't think the bag would fit in my freezer, and it just seemed kind of pointless.

Last night was not good at all. I woke up at 4:45 when my alarm went off playing Christmas carols. There was no reason for the alarm to go off, as (thankfully) I never need to set it that early. After that I was a mess and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm always fine if I get to sleep and stay asleep, but if I wake up even once these days, I'm pretty much done.

There are a lot of upcoming things that I need to worry about... yes, "need" to worry. I say that a lot. I always feel like if I don't worry about things, I will slack off and nothing will ever get done. Probably not the best way to think. I don't really want to be worried about everything for the rest of my life, but that's just how I am. I've tried to change it and it just doesn't stick. Maybe someday, but then again, I always say "maybe someday." Who knows how many somedays are left?

I won't always be the king of pain

I started reading a new self-help book. It's called "The Gaslight Effect," and it expands on the topic that interested me in the last book I read... about how people put you down or say things to keep you in your place. The past few days haven't been good for me in that aspect. It seems that if I go a few days without reading something like this that can convince me I'm okay, I just seem to lose all the rational thoughts I had before. I'll need to work on that. That's another entry I need to write... about how "friends" have tried to keep me in my place over the years. It's gotten to the point where I would almost rather not have friends, because this seems to always be what happens. I do have some good friends and I am thankful for them. At the same time, I know I don't spend as much time with them as I should because I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt... afraid of what they will think of me. They have known me for years and still I am worried.

But yesterday was good, almost too good. Sometimes when things are "too good" it gets me thinking of the past... of the good times I had before I began to worry about everything. It reminded me of a trip we took when I was in fourth grade... I think it was fourth grade. It was truly the best Thanksgiving of my life. But I can never go there again. It also reminded me of Thanksgivings at my uncle's house and how much fun those were. Everything reminds me of something and it just ends up making me sad. I think I've seen too much.

Everything was perfect, or as close as it gets. We went to this gorgeous hotel for dinner. The food was amazing, and our table was right by the pool. My uncle came, and I hadn't seen him in awhile. He's awesome and he doesn't ask questions, which is good. There was a stage and my mom kept telling me to go up and perform. "Will I get tips if I do pretty feet and pretty hands?" I was kidding, but I really miss stages. I haven't been on one in years... at least not to really perform. We had this development day for work and we had to go to the local theatre. Our room looked right onto the stage. I did miss it. I've been thinking maybe I should look into acting again. But my concentration hasn't been so good the past few years, and I'm worried I won't even be able to remember my lines. I put myself down so much that I don't know if these things I think are true or not.

Sometimes I get so caught up in what other people think of me that I just want to hide. I get paranoid, thinking that people who hate me will show up everywhere. I didn't even want to stop on the way to my sister's for fear that someone I knew would see me at a rest stop. I don't think that as many people "hate" me as I think they do, and it's really unlikely that anyone I knew would be at that exact rest stop at that moment. But at the time, telling myself that did no good at all. Other times I just think I should give up on life, or kill myself, which is really what giving up on life would mean, I suppose. But then sometimes, like when I read those books, I feel better about myself. I can't depend on books forever. Somehow, I just have to start feeling good on my own. That's what everyone says. But it's never that easy.

random thoughts & future entries

I tend to forget good ideas I have, so I thought I'd make a list and try to stick with it. Here are some future entries I hope to write:

...What's in a name?: Why I don't mind having a "boring" name as much as I used to...
...The "stages" of my past
..."Learning" to be someone else

And some random thoughts: (SPOILER ALERT if anyone has not watched the most recent episode of House MD!........)









I just watched House before, and I must say it was the best episode that we've had since season 3... maybe even since season 2. As mean as this sounds, I am kind of annoyed that they didn't kill Thirteen off. She's gorgeous, but her acting skills are not that great, and the character is just written badly. At one point, she got injected with some drug that made her slump over sideways, and the way she fell over was so dramatic and hilarious... it was awesome. But now! Is she seriously going to get with Foreman? "Foreteen" sounds cute... but no, please. I just get this awful feeling that the writers were like, "Hey! When she was with girls, she was all out of control... but now a stable, strong man can save her!!" No, please. Just write her out of the show already. Someone on one of the boards said they wished she would get her own spinoff, just so this show can stop focusing on her so much! I have to agree there.

Well, I might not post until Friday or Saturday, because I'm going to my sister's for Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving, and good night!

11.25.08

Well, it has finally started to snow and stick. I'm pretty excited about that, especially because I don't have work tomorrow so I won't have to drive anywhere. I really love snow.

On a non-weather-related note, I was thinking about something at work today (I do actually complete my tasks at work, I promise... I just think about other things sometimes!) When it comes to the issue of whether talking behind someone's back is acceptable, did you ever get the person who is convinced that they're better because "oh, if I have a problem I just say it to their face?" I can't even tell you how many people I've met with that attitude... I think it's an epidemic. If you're going to walk up to someone and say "You're a stupid five-letter-word and a skanky ho!", why is it any better if you say it to the person's face? The people I've met who act like this, it seems that they never have a real problem... they just don't like someone and want to start a fight. Yes, it is definitely better to tell someone "I don't think it's appropriate that you have twelve boyfriends" rather than say behind their back, "So-and-so is a dumb sl*t!" But usually, the people who act like this are just annoyed over jealousy or some imagined fault, and expressing that to the other person's face really isn't going to make anything better.

That's it for today... unless I get bored later, that is!

not in my place/out of place

I've been getting a lot of advice about my life lately. I can't say I don't need it, but some of it gets annoying. Today, I found a book at work called "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office," and I was laughing about it to my co-worker. One of the tips said it was a mistake to work too hard, and that it was good to waste a little time at work. I was laughing about how ridiculous that was, until my co-worker said the book was right, and her explanation as to why it was right made (almost) perfect sense. I decided I may as well read the book. I may work at a library, and I may enjoy writing, but I'm not a book snob. There are no "bad" or "dumb" books... they all have a purpose for someone. (Except, okay, this really weird book I found online once... it was about some poor kid who got molested and grew up and thought he was gay and then someone told him he wasn't really gay, he was just upset about getting molested, and then he was like "Okay!" Although I may be mixing up a couple of different books here... if someone can find a link to this book for me, please let me know!!)

But moving on. So I started reading the book on my dinner break, and aside from the whole wasting time thing (which might take me a little while to get used to), I found something else. Although it certainly wasn't the first time I'd heard of this concept, it was the first time I took it to heart. It was the idea that when people put you down unnecessarily or say certain things that show their disapproval, they are trying to "put you in your place." Notice I said unnecessarily... if I were, say, assaulting my customers by flinging books at them, I would hope that someone would put me in my place. But I'm not like that. For years, I've let people put me in my place. I can't even tell you how many friends I've had that were constantly trying to put me in my place... telling me I wasn't allowed to feel a certain way, immediately telling me I was wrong without even listening what I had to say, sometimes even telling me point-blank that I wasn't allowed to say anything about certain situations. I've been very depressed for many years over this issue, and that needs to end. I think this blog is a step in the right direction. From now on, the only one who will be allowed to put me in my place is me!

who i am & what this is

I'm Sarah. For years, whenever I started out on a new venture (a blog, a screenname, a message board post) I never used my real name. I made up something cutesy because I was ashamed of it... not of my name, but of my opinions. I wanted to hide behind something, in case my opinion was "wrong." As if an opinion can ever be wrong. But I didn't want to piss anyone off, so I stayed hidden.

I started my first blog when I was... twelve, I think. I didn't use my real name. I made some good friends on there, but I never actually told them my real name. One of them even mailed me a package under my alias. When I was super young, I knew I shouldn't give my name out because a predator could find me, but now that I'm older, I've realized...

A) my first name is pretty darn common, and
B) If you want to find me, go ahead. I'm 20 years old (more personal info!) I am not giving you my address or my phone number. If you want to look up those things and come after me, good luck. You will go to jail, and also to hell, so feel free to take that risk.
C) I'm a writer. Sure, I can have a pen name, but I want my words to be mine. Not anyone else's, and especially not cutiepiesweetiegirl2007's. (No, I never went that far with a screenname... but some of them came close.)


I started this new blog because I wanted to be me. I wanted to post things I felt, things I knew to be true, anything I wanted, without having to feel bad for it. There was an incident when I wrote something under my real name, and a former friend found it and was more than a little annoyed over it. I immediately felt bad and deleted my account on the website. Then... I got mad at myself for feeling bad. Why should I feel bad? Everything I posted was true, and the "friend" knew it. Her name was never referenced in my writing, so the fact that she knew it was her proved that it was true. There was nothing malicious, just facts. If I want to write-- and I do-- then I need to write about what really happens. I'm not going to sugarcoat it anymore, and I'm certainly not going to apologize for opinions or facts. From now on, the only time I apologize is for an accident. And nothing I write is an accident.