I started reading a new self-help book. It's called "The Gaslight Effect," and it expands on the topic that interested me in the last book I read... about how people put you down or say things to keep you in your place. The past few days haven't been good for me in that aspect. It seems that if I go a few days without reading something like this that can convince me I'm okay, I just seem to lose all the rational thoughts I had before. I'll need to work on that. That's another entry I need to write... about how "friends" have tried to keep me in my place over the years. It's gotten to the point where I would almost rather not have friends, because this seems to always be what happens. I do have some good friends and I am thankful for them. At the same time, I know I don't spend as much time with them as I should because I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt... afraid of what they will think of me. They have known me for years and still I am worried.
But yesterday was good, almost too good. Sometimes when things are "too good" it gets me thinking of the past... of the good times I had before I began to worry about everything. It reminded me of a trip we took when I was in fourth grade... I think it was fourth grade. It was truly the best Thanksgiving of my life. But I can never go there again. It also reminded me of Thanksgivings at my uncle's house and how much fun those were. Everything reminds me of something and it just ends up making me sad. I think I've seen too much.
Everything was perfect, or as close as it gets. We went to this gorgeous hotel for dinner. The food was amazing, and our table was right by the pool. My uncle came, and I hadn't seen him in awhile. He's awesome and he doesn't ask questions, which is good. There was a stage and my mom kept telling me to go up and perform. "Will I get tips if I do pretty feet and pretty hands?" I was kidding, but I really miss stages. I haven't been on one in years... at least not to really perform. We had this development day for work and we had to go to the local theatre. Our room looked right onto the stage. I did miss it. I've been thinking maybe I should look into acting again. But my concentration hasn't been so good the past few years, and I'm worried I won't even be able to remember my lines. I put myself down so much that I don't know if these things I think are true or not.
Sometimes I get so caught up in what other people think of me that I just want to hide. I get paranoid, thinking that people who hate me will show up everywhere. I didn't even want to stop on the way to my sister's for fear that someone I knew would see me at a rest stop. I don't think that as many people "hate" me as I think they do, and it's really unlikely that anyone I knew would be at that exact rest stop at that moment. But at the time, telling myself that did no good at all. Other times I just think I should give up on life, or kill myself, which is really what giving up on life would mean, I suppose. But then sometimes, like when I read those books, I feel better about myself. I can't depend on books forever. Somehow, I just have to start feeling good on my own. That's what everyone says. But it's never that easy.
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I think deep down inside we're all afraid - nobody wants to be vulnerable. Everyone is worried about what other people are thinking (especially what they are thinking about what you are doing/saying, etc.) I like to remember a quote: "You were not made to fit in, you were made to stand out!" It helps me when I'm feeling vulnerable and afraid of not being like everyone else. Your true friends won't try to change you. Stick with the people who try bringing you up, instead of tearing you down. Anyone who tears down your beliefs or your ideas is not a true friend. Also, remember: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"...so don't give in to them! Above all, when you have nowhere else to turn, look up! God is always near...and willing to help you overcome anything! God bless you!
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