who'd have thought tomorrow could be so strange?

This is my 52nd entry. I had no idea that I had posted so much. I really think this blog has helped me, and as a mini-PSA, anyone out there reading this who doesn't have a blog of their own should get one. Or even just a regular, private journal. Writing down everything really helps, or at least it helps me. It's worth a try.

Today was so, so good. Except for the rain, but at least I had my hat. I love my hat and I will be sad when it's too hot to wear it (it's knitted.) But other things were good. I had an amazing conversation today that helped me to realize that it is so much better to get out of a bad situation than to force yourself to suffer through it... no matter what other people think. I desperately needed validation (bad, I know) and I finally got it. I can move on now. I can try.

I've also realized... if I was anywhere near as bad as I thought I was, I would be locked up by now. I am not a bad person and I need to start believing that. I am going to keep writing, and keep acting, and that will make me happy and I will get out of this. And I hope that someday, I will look back on all these years and wonder why I wasted them through my self-hatred. And it will all be behind me. It's already behind me.

nothing is taking me down...

I have soooo much to do but I'm soooo not worried about it. Which is unusual, as normally I'd be attempting to breathe deeply and falling off the chair... but tonight is different. I'm just typing away, waiting for the president to finish talking so that I can watch NCIS. Yeah, my priorities are in order. And then it's Toddlers and Tiaras... woohoo!

So I played a pregnant lady this weekend, and it was so much fun. I love acting. I forgot exactly how happy I felt when I acted... there are few feelings that compare to it. Well, few feelings I've experienced, anyway. (If you read that first sentence there and don't realize I'm talking about acting, it looks really messed up... muahaha...)

I think I will paint my nails tonight. Medium purple or teal? And whichever color I don't use on my fingers will go on my toes. My toes haven't been painted in awhile, but I feel spring-y today, even though it was freezing before and I may have developed mild hypothermia just from walking to class. Oh, and I've also determined that if all of my first cousins marry in order, I will have to get married in 2014, at age 25. Not bad. Although, with the way things are going these days, I might need an arranged marriage. My mom has been trying to set me up for years, but unfortunately most of her picks seem to be not too interested in women...

a simple prop to occupy my time...

Do you think it's humanly possible to walk in 8-inch heels? Well, I'm sure someone has done it. I'm 5'8" without them, so massively high heels are in no way necessary for me (not that they really are for anyone...), but I just want to see what it would be like to walk in them. The bad thing is that the only ones I've found so far are those clear platform hooker-ish ones, so I'm not quite sure they'd go with anything I own...

I bought a very spring-y purse the other day. It has hot pink and orange in it, but it's toned down so it isn't gaudy or anything. I love it. I also should probably not be allowed to have a credit card, but oh well. I never really go overboard, so I'm sure I'll be fine.

I haven't cried in a really long time. Something upsetting happened and I should have cried, but I just couldn't. I know people think I'm heartless when I don't cry; I didn't cry when I found out a relative who lived nearby was moving far away, and my mom and sister were mad at me for it. I don't cry at funerals either. Oddly enough, I cry about things that are less upsetting, and for acting purposes I can usually make myself cry. But I'll just never understand how people can judge you for not crying. Just because you're not crying doesn't mean you're not upset.

will there be someone left to sing your blues?

I feel like I haven't posted in forever... hmm. I was sick over break and then school started stressing me out (yeah, in just a couple of days) but I'm okay now... ish. I swear I try to stress myself out, I really do. It's like, if I don't worry about something enough, then I won't be prepared for when it goes badly... but it usually doesn't. You'd think that twenty years into my life, I would have figured that out.

Toddlers and Tiaras was pretty great yesterday. It's funny that so many of the pageant people were so worried about seeing the WV crowd, but I don't really think that any of the fears were realized. It was better than most of the other episodes, anyway. Can I just say that I love boys in pageants? I love boys in pageants; there, I said it. I love supportive pageant dads, too. And I don't understand why some people, even people who support pageants, don't support boys in pageants. If girls can play football and other traditionally male sports, why can't a boy be in pageants? Justin Timberlake did pageants, and it certainly didn't cause him any problems...

So I'm doing that acting thing on Sunday. I get to be a pregnant lady! Now I just have to figure out how to make myself look pregnant... any ideas?

take it in stride, take it in stride...

I look as desperate as I feel, if not more so. Everyone says they can't tell but you would have to be oblivious.

if only a heart could be as white as snow...

Who would I be if I hadn't devoted my life to acting? Not acting in its real sense; I haven't been on a stage to act in so long. What I mean is, my life is a stage, and has been since I was at least fourteen. When I was younger, too. So many times, so many things I have said and done... it was all acting. When I was younger, I knew too much and knew I didn't act as "young" as other kids my age. So I said silly things to make people smile, tried to distract them with my cuteness, and it worked. Then I took a break for a few years, because I just couldn't fit in during those years no matter how hard I tried. Once I hit about fourteen or so, I knew what to do seemingly overnight; how to do my hair, what color eyeshadow to wear, what kind of shoes... everything. I didn't say things I wanted to say, touched boys I never wanted to touch, listened to other people lie and knew I would never call them on it. From commission to (mostly) omission.

I'm at another stage of my life where I just can't act anymore. All the things I used to ignore, I just can't, no matter how hard I try. I've learned that most people are acting as well, but they seem to be better at it than I am. They'll act for their whole lives, when I can only act for a few years at a time. And I can't help but wonder: who would I be if I weren't an actor?

no, i will not get my boots on

So I was supposed to leave today to visit my sister, but leave it to me to get sick over break. Ugh. At least I've downloaded the new U2 CD to keep me company, and I must admit that I am (so far) pleasantly surprised... it's not as bad as their last CD was by a long shot. Although I do think that "Get On Your Boots" is a Vertigo 2.0, which, in my book, is not so good. Why do bands always release their worst songs!? Oh well. I'm also downloading the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs, which I am majorly excited about.

I finished observing yesterday, sadly. The kids were awesome! I would love to be a kindergarten teacher. Although that reminds me... now I have to work on my observation log... and do my math extra credit... and start my child development paper... breaks are not really breaks when you have so much work to do...

Also, I may be doing some acting soon. I haven't found out officially yet. But if I do, I will be playing... a pregnant woman! Ha! That won't be too difficult... just get me some spandex and feed me a little, and I will definitely look it...

i love spring break...

... and not in a "because I get to get drunk and participate in wet t-shirt contests" way. I just really needed to relax, and now I think I'll get to. Tomorrow is my last day of observing, which is sad because I love the kids! But summer reading club is on its way, so I can start focusing on that and that will be good. The only bad thing is I'm a bit sick, with a sore throat and some sniffles. Leave it to me to be fine all semester and get sick now. Another good thing is I have an iTunes gift card and I think I want to buy the U2 CD, but going by their previous CD and what I've heard of the new single, this could turn out to be a really, really bad thing. Sigh...

I have nothing really to do the rest of the week, other than a bit of schoolwork (sigh), so I'm hoping that I get to go visit my sister. If she wants me, that is. I also may have found a new hobby, but more about that later...


Edit: How could I let my brain block this out? I just got invited to my second wedding ever (babysitting at a wedding doesn't count if you don't actually get to be at the ceremony or reception...) with a GUEST. What guest? Yeah right. Too bad my family will have to keep thinking I'm a lesbian, unless I meet someone really, really fast... sounds like a bad romantic comedy waiting to happen...

i could not foresee this thing happening to you.

Can you ever really escape the things that have hurt you? Especially the things you once loved, or at least enjoyed? There's a reason I don't have friends anymore, and I'm not lonely. I know it's for the best.

all my loves are hidden in pieces...

Really, really hilarious story. My coworker's son (he's eight) is interested in acting, so she took him to an audition for a movie that's shooting locally. He auditioned really well, so they called and asked if he wanted to play an altar boy in the movie. Yay! Great! Well... until they explained it. You see, in this movie, there's all flashbacks and everything, and apparently the scene he was going to be in was set up so that you would think the altar boy was molested. Um. No thanks. But they gave him a different part, so he's going to take that, which is good. (Although his new part is a ghost, and I mentioned that she might want to find out WHY he's a ghost... muahaha...)

Oh, and observing at the kindergarten is going amazingly. The kids are s0 cute and sweet.


More later...

when you're on, i swear you're on...

So... tomorrow is my first day of observation for my major. And I get to observe at a kindergarten. =) I'm really, really excited. I love little kids and it will be fun to watch them. I would love to teach kindergarten... really anywhere K-2, and probably 3rd would be fine as well. I like older kids, but I love little kids! They're so smart and funny. I just have to make sure I get everything in order... I need my observation journal, my clearances (what a pain, but I have everything I need, I think. Including my TB test results... a TB-free me!) Okay, time to stop rambling about how I heart kids... how creepy do I sound?

More weird dreams lately. I dreamed that I met this guy I used to like and he was wearing a heavy-knit Barbie pink sweater, which was... interesting. I hugged him anyway though, in my dream. I do love me some Barbie pink.

You know, I had all these ideas of how my life was going to be when I grew up. Not so much now, the college years... but later on. I haven't gotten there yet and I already know what is going to happen; or more, what isn't going to happen. I'm not going to have some big happy extended family. I never had that before, and short of marrying into the Duggars (and the cute older one is already taken... sigh) or becoming OctoMom #2, I'm probably never going to have a huge family. Most of the family we have now, they aren't too interested in us. We're basically estranged from one side of our family, and I'm not particularly interested in getting involved with that whole situation. It was never about us 'kids,' they always said, but really it was and it's too late for us now. Other parts of the family are drifting away, for reasons unknown... one aunt seems to hate us and we don't know why. My sweet 'little cousins' (they really aren't little anymore, the oldest is a senior in high school) and their families skipped my graduation party in favor of a country music concert. They didn't call or send a card. Maybe it's not as serious as it seems, but for me, I've long thought that that was their way of telling me that our closeness was over. My other cousins are either older and moving on-- grad school, marriage-- or live so far away from us that we never see them. I don't want to think that this is my fault, and it's not, but I'll say this anyway: I've always felt like if I were prettier or more impressive, the rest of our family would be just a little more interested in me. But I'm not, and they're not. And even my sister and I aren't getting along these days, and I'll never let my father anywhere near my future children, and I just hope my future husband has a big family, because it looks like that's my only shot.