have a holly jolly...

Christmas tomorrow. I think it will be a good one. I bought more presents for my family than in other years, because I can afford it now that I'm older. That makes me feel good. I know Christmas isn't really about presents, but I like to buy nice things for people I love.

Hmm... what else. Oh, I'll find out soon if I got into college or not. I'll be pretty bummed if I don't get in... not sure what I'll do. My boss has already told me that if I don't go back to school, I can't have my job this summer... and I love that job. So I need to keep it.

I am scared, though. I really hate college. As far as I can tell, both from my experiences and experiences of people I know, college is just an excuse to party until you pass out. An excuse to waste your parents' money, really.

I was thinking yesterday about how I kind of miss pageants. I put on one of my crowns and walked around for awhile with it on. Good times. I don't plan on competing in one anytime soon, at least not one of the "big" ones... I can't pull off a bikini, don't have the talent for Miss America, and am not completely sure of how I feel about the USA system. Maybe a small pageant would be fun, though. What I'd really like is to start coaching, but no one around here really does pageants, so that's unlikely to happen. But we'll see.

Well, I probably won't be back on here for at least a few days... so happy holidays to everyone!!!

when fortune cookies get corrupted

So I ordered Chinese the other night, but forgot about my fortune cookie until now. I'm not one of those people who lives by fortune cookies or horoscopes or any of that stuff, but I always hope they'll say something relevant. Well... not tonight. Apparently one of the nearby colleges has taken over the local restaurant's fortune cookie supply, and tonight my fortune was "Lauren _____, good things will come to you at _____ University." (Or something similar, anyway, though my mom threw it out in a moment of grumpiness when we discovered the other cookie had the same fortune.) For the past couple of years, that school has been randomly picking a senior from one of the local schools and doing an advertising campaign around trying to get that person to come to the school... they've gone from commercials and billboards to fortune cookies now, I guess. They better give me a real fortune next time, as I am certainly not Lauren ____, and I'm definitely not going to _____ University.

Speaking of school, though, I applied to the local branch of the state university, so we'll see what happens there. I took a class there in high school and liked it. I'm trying not to worry about what other people may think about this new development. Sometimes I push my fears onto other people. Also, I may go back to acting class, but we'll see what happens there too.

It's supposed to snow tonight. It's flurrying a little already. I hope it sticks.

necessity

I'm trying to not blame myself, but I know that if I just listened to myself, things might have been different... or not happened at all. I let other people make my decisions, and I end up screwed. But that's only a maybe. Whatever went wrong might have gone wrong anyway, or been worse. Or it could have been something else. I don't want to jinx myself, but it seems that no matter how bad things get for me, at least it's only me, right? I would much rather go through this myself than watch someone else go through it. So there's that.

I was talking to my mom last night, the same conversation we have at least two, three times a year. I have always wanted to be my sister. Everything she does, she does it first and better. Even when she doesn't. I want to do what she does and by the time I get there, the fun is gone. Maybe I would just rather anticipate things than actually do them.

I mean, some things I have done better with, technically. My grades in college (so far) have been better. I tend to have more friends than she does, though not currently. I know she's jealous of my job right now, and she isn't a huge fan of hers. But I still want to be her. And that's silly; it's not like we're six and nine anymore, we're twenty and twenty-three. She just can't do anything wrong in my eyes, or maybe it's that I feel I do everything wrong. Maybe I am just immature, who knows. It's like when we were younger, we used to play together all the time, and then she started slamming her door on me. We're better now, but sometimes I still feel like she slams the door on me. I always need other people more than they need me.

thought of the day

Why do we protect the people who hurt us?


If I ever figure it out, I'll let you know.

human, human of the year...

Why do people think that they are "cooler" (for lack of a better word) based on where they live?


I'm getting sick of the internet. Sick of people posting cruel remarks behind fake names, but playing it like they're trying to help you. This actually hasn't happened to me recently, but I'm fairly sensitive and I hate seeing it happen to other people. I also hate when people take on the "group mentality" and go after whoever they perceive to be an "outsider" for no apparent reason. I think I need to go live alone in a cave or something.

screw you, american express

So I was flipping between House and rebroadcasts of a Phillies game, and I came across this American Express commercial. It had a bunch of celebrities talking about how they wouldn't have succeeded if no one had believed in them. I thought it was semi-offensive, but I probably shouldn't have. There are some people who believe in me. (Most of them are under the age of ten, but they still count.) But just because no one believes in you... that doesn't mean you should give up.


House is kind of lame tonight. The virgin birth thing is kind of cool, though. I guess I'll just keep watching.

if wishes were trees, the trees would be falling

I don't understand all the Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers stuff these days. I think I missed out on the whole listening-to-people-relatively-close-to-my-age-bracket thing when I was young. The closest I got was boy bands, and I didn't particularly love them, I just did whatever my sister did. Part of that was squealing over the Backstreet Boys (but NOT 'Nsync) and hanging Hanson posters on my walls. I was more into R.E.M. and U2 when I was younger. I still am, and although for years I thought I was kind of weird, I'm glad I made those choices. And what's more, I don't understand why all the preschoolers are so obsessed with current music. I mean, when I was four, I listened to Raffi. Now all the little kids are listening to the High School Musical soundtrack and talking about how "Troy is my boyfriendddd." I don't know whether it's cute or creepy. I'm leaning toward cute, but slightly premature. Ten or eleven would be a better age to start, I think.
I was feeling bad before again. Partially because I internalize all the things people say to me, and a lot of those things are negative. But you know what? I'm fine with being the whistleblower... the instigator... the whatever. I was talking to my mom about it, and she gave me some good advice, as per usual. "Some things need to be brought up, and if they piss people off, you know you've done your job." I was thinking that maybe if I do go back to school, I should do journalism. But sometimes I get so bored writing for other people, and I'd be doing a lot of that. Maybe I should write for a newspaper again. I liked doing that, most of the time. Although I will say I don't miss editing my paper in high school. ("But what's wrong with a five-sentence article? Why do I have to 'expand'???")
Oh, on a side note, there is a link between R.E.M., journalism, and me. Yeah, who knew? A few years ago, my uncle the journalist got in trouble at his job for going to an R.E.M. concert. There was even something about it on CNN, if I remember correctly. I might try to find some links later. I guess he's a lawyer now, or something. I should find out. I don't see my extended family as much as I would like to.
I've started to realize that I can't always make people think how I want them to think. Is my opinion always right? Uh... definitely not. If my opinions were right, math in schools wouldn't go beyond addition and subtraction, chocolate milk would be the national beverage, and all females (and, heck, any males who really wanted to...) would have eighties hair and shocking pink lipstick. (A carryover from my pageant past, I suppose. But I really do like big hair and 'fun' makeup. Or at least what I call 'fun.') But sometimes, people are just brainwashed when it comes to certain things. I've been toying around with a book idea that deals with that. I won't give any ideas away here, but it would be a non-fiction book, preferably written with someone with a doctorate or master's or something, about a loss of morals in one area in particular. Yeah... like that explains a lot. Maybe someday I'll go more in depth. Maybe not.
As a throwback to the whole growing up thing, I kind of feel like I should be married already. I know that's not true; I'm only 20, and I work with a fair amount of people who are older than me and not married, so I don't know why I even worry about it. In the past, I just felt immature for not being 3/4 of the way down the aisle by now. Part of me tells myself that I just can't get a boy, but that's not true and I know it. I just can't get a sober one... oops! Yeah, not as fun as it sounds. They've always been drunk and I haven't been. I would like to find someone who shares my morals. I don't want to settle, but I'm starting to feel like that might just happen. I don't want to end up divorced. I don't want to end up trapped with someone I hate. But that's really all I've seen so far.

to let it go, and so, to fade away

People keep telling me I've lost weight. I know I have. A few years ago... well, more than a few now... this would have made me deliriously happy. I say a few because I forget how long it's been. More like five.
Five years ago, I was happy because I was thin. Now I am thin because I am unhappy.
I've been thinking a lot about what might make me happy, but it seems that I trick myself into thinking it's not worth it. Maybe I don't deserve happiness, or I just know that I won't obtain it. Maybe my "glory days" are over. But maybe there's a second chance... if I just let myself take it.
I want to start acting again. I miss it. I know my modeling and pageant days are over, but maybe there's something left for me.
I want to go back to school. I think. I'm scared. But I know it's something I need to do.
I want to move out on my own again.
I want to stop thinking about the people of my past and move on to the people of my future. I hope they're out there and I hope they're good.
I want to keep writing. And I want to publish a book. That may take awhile, but it will happen.
I think these things will make me happy. But the only way to know is to try. I'm scared... but I'll always be scared. I can't let life pass me by while I'm busy being nervous. And I won't.

oh so random

I really, really want to eat ice right now. Not one of the little rectangular chunks in my freezer... the "crunchy" kind you get in those big bags from the store. I totally wanted to buy one when I was out shopping the other night, but I don't think the bag would fit in my freezer, and it just seemed kind of pointless.

Last night was not good at all. I woke up at 4:45 when my alarm went off playing Christmas carols. There was no reason for the alarm to go off, as (thankfully) I never need to set it that early. After that I was a mess and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm always fine if I get to sleep and stay asleep, but if I wake up even once these days, I'm pretty much done.

There are a lot of upcoming things that I need to worry about... yes, "need" to worry. I say that a lot. I always feel like if I don't worry about things, I will slack off and nothing will ever get done. Probably not the best way to think. I don't really want to be worried about everything for the rest of my life, but that's just how I am. I've tried to change it and it just doesn't stick. Maybe someday, but then again, I always say "maybe someday." Who knows how many somedays are left?

I won't always be the king of pain

I started reading a new self-help book. It's called "The Gaslight Effect," and it expands on the topic that interested me in the last book I read... about how people put you down or say things to keep you in your place. The past few days haven't been good for me in that aspect. It seems that if I go a few days without reading something like this that can convince me I'm okay, I just seem to lose all the rational thoughts I had before. I'll need to work on that. That's another entry I need to write... about how "friends" have tried to keep me in my place over the years. It's gotten to the point where I would almost rather not have friends, because this seems to always be what happens. I do have some good friends and I am thankful for them. At the same time, I know I don't spend as much time with them as I should because I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt... afraid of what they will think of me. They have known me for years and still I am worried.

But yesterday was good, almost too good. Sometimes when things are "too good" it gets me thinking of the past... of the good times I had before I began to worry about everything. It reminded me of a trip we took when I was in fourth grade... I think it was fourth grade. It was truly the best Thanksgiving of my life. But I can never go there again. It also reminded me of Thanksgivings at my uncle's house and how much fun those were. Everything reminds me of something and it just ends up making me sad. I think I've seen too much.

Everything was perfect, or as close as it gets. We went to this gorgeous hotel for dinner. The food was amazing, and our table was right by the pool. My uncle came, and I hadn't seen him in awhile. He's awesome and he doesn't ask questions, which is good. There was a stage and my mom kept telling me to go up and perform. "Will I get tips if I do pretty feet and pretty hands?" I was kidding, but I really miss stages. I haven't been on one in years... at least not to really perform. We had this development day for work and we had to go to the local theatre. Our room looked right onto the stage. I did miss it. I've been thinking maybe I should look into acting again. But my concentration hasn't been so good the past few years, and I'm worried I won't even be able to remember my lines. I put myself down so much that I don't know if these things I think are true or not.

Sometimes I get so caught up in what other people think of me that I just want to hide. I get paranoid, thinking that people who hate me will show up everywhere. I didn't even want to stop on the way to my sister's for fear that someone I knew would see me at a rest stop. I don't think that as many people "hate" me as I think they do, and it's really unlikely that anyone I knew would be at that exact rest stop at that moment. But at the time, telling myself that did no good at all. Other times I just think I should give up on life, or kill myself, which is really what giving up on life would mean, I suppose. But then sometimes, like when I read those books, I feel better about myself. I can't depend on books forever. Somehow, I just have to start feeling good on my own. That's what everyone says. But it's never that easy.

random thoughts & future entries

I tend to forget good ideas I have, so I thought I'd make a list and try to stick with it. Here are some future entries I hope to write:

...What's in a name?: Why I don't mind having a "boring" name as much as I used to...
...The "stages" of my past
..."Learning" to be someone else

And some random thoughts: (SPOILER ALERT if anyone has not watched the most recent episode of House MD!........)









I just watched House before, and I must say it was the best episode that we've had since season 3... maybe even since season 2. As mean as this sounds, I am kind of annoyed that they didn't kill Thirteen off. She's gorgeous, but her acting skills are not that great, and the character is just written badly. At one point, she got injected with some drug that made her slump over sideways, and the way she fell over was so dramatic and hilarious... it was awesome. But now! Is she seriously going to get with Foreman? "Foreteen" sounds cute... but no, please. I just get this awful feeling that the writers were like, "Hey! When she was with girls, she was all out of control... but now a stable, strong man can save her!!" No, please. Just write her out of the show already. Someone on one of the boards said they wished she would get her own spinoff, just so this show can stop focusing on her so much! I have to agree there.

Well, I might not post until Friday or Saturday, because I'm going to my sister's for Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving, and good night!

11.25.08

Well, it has finally started to snow and stick. I'm pretty excited about that, especially because I don't have work tomorrow so I won't have to drive anywhere. I really love snow.

On a non-weather-related note, I was thinking about something at work today (I do actually complete my tasks at work, I promise... I just think about other things sometimes!) When it comes to the issue of whether talking behind someone's back is acceptable, did you ever get the person who is convinced that they're better because "oh, if I have a problem I just say it to their face?" I can't even tell you how many people I've met with that attitude... I think it's an epidemic. If you're going to walk up to someone and say "You're a stupid five-letter-word and a skanky ho!", why is it any better if you say it to the person's face? The people I've met who act like this, it seems that they never have a real problem... they just don't like someone and want to start a fight. Yes, it is definitely better to tell someone "I don't think it's appropriate that you have twelve boyfriends" rather than say behind their back, "So-and-so is a dumb sl*t!" But usually, the people who act like this are just annoyed over jealousy or some imagined fault, and expressing that to the other person's face really isn't going to make anything better.

That's it for today... unless I get bored later, that is!

not in my place/out of place

I've been getting a lot of advice about my life lately. I can't say I don't need it, but some of it gets annoying. Today, I found a book at work called "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office," and I was laughing about it to my co-worker. One of the tips said it was a mistake to work too hard, and that it was good to waste a little time at work. I was laughing about how ridiculous that was, until my co-worker said the book was right, and her explanation as to why it was right made (almost) perfect sense. I decided I may as well read the book. I may work at a library, and I may enjoy writing, but I'm not a book snob. There are no "bad" or "dumb" books... they all have a purpose for someone. (Except, okay, this really weird book I found online once... it was about some poor kid who got molested and grew up and thought he was gay and then someone told him he wasn't really gay, he was just upset about getting molested, and then he was like "Okay!" Although I may be mixing up a couple of different books here... if someone can find a link to this book for me, please let me know!!)

But moving on. So I started reading the book on my dinner break, and aside from the whole wasting time thing (which might take me a little while to get used to), I found something else. Although it certainly wasn't the first time I'd heard of this concept, it was the first time I took it to heart. It was the idea that when people put you down unnecessarily or say certain things that show their disapproval, they are trying to "put you in your place." Notice I said unnecessarily... if I were, say, assaulting my customers by flinging books at them, I would hope that someone would put me in my place. But I'm not like that. For years, I've let people put me in my place. I can't even tell you how many friends I've had that were constantly trying to put me in my place... telling me I wasn't allowed to feel a certain way, immediately telling me I was wrong without even listening what I had to say, sometimes even telling me point-blank that I wasn't allowed to say anything about certain situations. I've been very depressed for many years over this issue, and that needs to end. I think this blog is a step in the right direction. From now on, the only one who will be allowed to put me in my place is me!

who i am & what this is

I'm Sarah. For years, whenever I started out on a new venture (a blog, a screenname, a message board post) I never used my real name. I made up something cutesy because I was ashamed of it... not of my name, but of my opinions. I wanted to hide behind something, in case my opinion was "wrong." As if an opinion can ever be wrong. But I didn't want to piss anyone off, so I stayed hidden.

I started my first blog when I was... twelve, I think. I didn't use my real name. I made some good friends on there, but I never actually told them my real name. One of them even mailed me a package under my alias. When I was super young, I knew I shouldn't give my name out because a predator could find me, but now that I'm older, I've realized...

A) my first name is pretty darn common, and
B) If you want to find me, go ahead. I'm 20 years old (more personal info!) I am not giving you my address or my phone number. If you want to look up those things and come after me, good luck. You will go to jail, and also to hell, so feel free to take that risk.
C) I'm a writer. Sure, I can have a pen name, but I want my words to be mine. Not anyone else's, and especially not cutiepiesweetiegirl2007's. (No, I never went that far with a screenname... but some of them came close.)


I started this new blog because I wanted to be me. I wanted to post things I felt, things I knew to be true, anything I wanted, without having to feel bad for it. There was an incident when I wrote something under my real name, and a former friend found it and was more than a little annoyed over it. I immediately felt bad and deleted my account on the website. Then... I got mad at myself for feeling bad. Why should I feel bad? Everything I posted was true, and the "friend" knew it. Her name was never referenced in my writing, so the fact that she knew it was her proved that it was true. There was nothing malicious, just facts. If I want to write-- and I do-- then I need to write about what really happens. I'm not going to sugarcoat it anymore, and I'm certainly not going to apologize for opinions or facts. From now on, the only time I apologize is for an accident. And nothing I write is an accident.