however i smile, i smile the most

Happy birthday to me! Wow, 21. I seriously never thought I would make it this far. I remember back in high school, when I was probably 15 or 16, one of my friends asked me how long I would live to be, and I said 20. I thought there was no way I would make it past that. Well, I was wrong, and for the time being, I think that's a good thing. Lots of fun today-- casino, cake and family/friends. I will also probably never be able to make myself like alcohol. And you know what? Too bad. I'm having a little wine right now, and it's good, but not good enough to have another glass... nothing ever is. And I'm not going to force myself to drink just because other people think I should. I'm 21 now. I owe it to myself to be myself.

YES

Religious checker of CNN that I am, I have no idea how I missed this... but Jaycee Lee Dugard has been FOUND ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I saw the article title about "girl missing since 1991 found," I just got this feeling, thinking "what if it's her?"... and then I opened the article and alternately began to cry, clap and squeal. My poor sister is probably terrified. But all I can say now is...

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! etc.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I started looking at missing persons cases when I was... oh, 15, maybe? And everyone has "their case," and this was mine. I don't know why. But she just stuck with me, and I am so so so so happy that she is okay. My birthday is next Tuesday, and what a great early birthday present this is! I just can't believe it. =)

wow, it's been awhile

Not too much to say here. School starts soon, which is exciting.

You know what's not exciting (and I have been meaning to post about this for quite awhile?) I was watching E! the one night, and they had a missing/murdered persons countdown. Good concept, right? Always nice to get some names/pictures/stories out there. Well... not so good. Because the title of this countdown was:

"Young, Beautiful, and Vanished."

Yes... that's right... old, ugly people (and also, apparently, all men) need not apply. This is exactly what I was talking about when I did my speech on media bias in missing persons cases. I better get some plastic surgery and start praying that nothing happens to me, because I'm young (for now) and a woman, but I'm sure I don't fit their idea of beautiful. Can we please have a sequel called "Various Ages, Average to Below Average Looks, and Vanished?"

mini-vacation fun

Well, I am on another vacation... a short one, but a fun one. I'm visiting my sister, who happens to live in the same town as the college I'll be starting at in the spring (I'm switching campuses in the same university system.) I've been here since Saturday, and I'm leaving early tomorrow. We're having an awesome time. The campus here is so beautiful... it's exactly what you would think a college would look like. We even found some buildings that my sister, who went here, never knew about... with very ominous names. So we concocted our own theories about the sinister happenings that would take place in such buildings, until we went home and Googled them to find out they were perfectly innocent buildings. Or so they say...

Also, useless people who make me feel bad about myself even when they are not around me should stop. And maybe they shouldn't be able to "make me" feel bad... but they do, and I hate it. They should also stop making me second-guess myself. I usually do the right thing, and I did this time, and I know that. So all of those people can go far, far away. Please.

=)

i can't change the world, but i can change the world in me.

Well, I just got back from my vacation, and it was magical. Seriously... Delaware is beautiful. I loved all of the beach houses, and the little shops, and pretty much everything (except the five a.m. fire alarm.) I'd like to live there someday.

Also! Before I left! I went to the Salman Rushdie lecture, and it was so fun and cool. I got to go to a little banquet thing beforehand, and I met him and he asked me about my writing. He was very nice and funny. Did you know there's some kind of weird movie about him, where God kills him at the end!? I didn't know that until then. I'll have to find that movie someday.

Also, about legalizing marijuana to help the economy...

NO NO NO NO NO

So let's imagine the world if pot becomes legal. Well, the environment will be shot, but that's okay, because we'll be saving the economy!! But uh-oh, wait. What if that doesn't work? Will we be legalizing heroin and cocaine next? When my sister graduated college, she had a tough time finding a job. When I graduate, will my only job option be pot dealer? Or maybe I can start a career in the food industry to cater to all of the people with munchies. But wait-- if everyone else is off smoking pot, they probably won't show up to work, or they'll come to work stoned and be realllly productive... by which I mean, they'll probably sit in the corner and laugh.

I've heard the argument that pot should be legal because cigarettes are, and "pot isn't any worse." Does anyone really think that cigarettes are legal because they're safe? I hope not. I think most people are aware of how dangerous smoking is. Cigarettes are only legal because the tobacco industry is big business. The government is not particularly interested in keeping us safe, as this new idea to save the economy has proved. And hey, if everyone is all mellowed out in their pot-induced comas, they can do whatever they want, and we won't even notice. Be useful. Don't get sucked into this. I am scared to see what will happen if this becomes reality.

you get right under my skin...

I am not going to blame myself for the things people have done to me.

I will not let them do these things again.

I promise.

please please please get a life

So I just saw a commercial for the latest season of Toddlers and Tiaras, and it had some quote about how watching the show makes someone feel like a good mother. Needless to say, my eyes rolled so far back into my head that I have gone blind, and typing this is difficult. Yes, because spending time with your beloved child, and spending money on them, and sharing an activity you both enjoy... that clearly makes you such a bad mother. I could understand a dumb quote like that after watching a particularly heinous episode of Wife Swap, or Jon & Kate, or maybe one of those nanny shows... but Toddlers and Tiaras? And why do you need a show to tell you that you're a good mother, anyway? My new quote these days has become "If you have to ask...", and I feel like this kind of applies here. More like "If you have to use a random show to decide whether or not you're a good mother..."

Also, I have another complaint, and I don't really care if this makes me seem jealous, because I know I'm not. But seriously? If all you can do is spend your whole life bragging about where you went to college, or an award you won twenty years ago (unless it's the Nobel Peace Prize, I suppose), or some famous person you met in an airport... I have to start to wonder if you've ever done anything else. Feel free to mention those things in conversation, and possibly expand on them a bit, but don't spend all day, every day talking about those things. You don't look cool, you just look boring and self-centered.

That's all for now...

if you just hold in your breath...

Things that I think as of 6/28/09... (in no particular order)

1) I need to try new foods. I went to Wegmans yesterday, and wow, they have a lot of things I've never even heard of before.
2) The whole argument that gay couples shouldn't be allowed to have kids and/or get married because people will be mean to their kids makes no sense. Yes, let's cater to the bigots among us. In the word(s) of Kate Gosselin, "HELLO!?"
3) ... and don't even get me started on the whole Jon and Kate thing. Well, I seem to have started myself, so can I just ask why we need to know the kids' reactions to the divorce? Some things really need to be kept private. *sends hugs to them* OH and this is so weird, when I was at Wegmans waiting to check out, one of the tabloids had pictures of Kate crying, something about her tears... and the cover of this particular one was wet. Like, water-dripping wet. Weird!
4) Making the dean's list makes me happy, especially when they send a fun little certificate that I can hang on the fridge.
5) I heart Phillies items, even when they are not playing so well. And I heart the team, of course.
6) I also heart my new adorable apron and matching oven mitts. Fun! Now if I can just learn how to cook... but even if I burn everything, at least I'll still look cool?
7) Everyone needs to STOP dying. Now it's Billy Mays! Sad!
8) I really like my story. It makes me happy. Because it is mostly done and I am just editing now, and I will have reached my goal of finishing it by the end of June! Yes! And I have a very creepy idea for my next one, and my mom was like, "You know I'm not going to read it, right?" Gracias, madre.
9) I want to get better at Spanish, and I want to learn sign language, too. I am planning on doing both of those things when I switch campuses (in January, thanks to my Praxis-passing skills! Yes!)
10) I have found ways to calm myself down, and I love it. I never want to feel like I used to feel ever again.

... and death from above is still a death

Things I have noticed:

... everyone is dying; mostly famous people, but other people, too. I hate it.

... the new Regina Spektor album is amazing, which is not a surprise, but... wow.

... I miss the days when I could eat without shoving medicine down my throat first... not like it helps...

... June is almost over! Yikes. And it just started to get warm... it felt like March for awhile. This is the first summer that I can remember where my air conditioner is still in the box.

... I hate drama at work. I hate the word drama, actually, which is probably something left over from my high school days when everyone was either causing drama or accusing others of causing it. I was in drama club, and I didn't hate that... I don't mind drama with a purpose. Thirty-and-forty-somethings gossiping, however, serve no purpose.

... I love Sephora...

... and because of my love for Sephora, I am poor now. Oops.


Oh, and not an observation, but a fact; I have another journal now, a friends-locked one that I can post private stuff on. But I am not abandoning this journal, so don't worry about that. And if you have a Livejournal, let me know so I can add you. Or, if anyone out there ever reads this... let me know that, too. I feel silly talking to myself... but there's nothing wrong with being silly, I suppose. =)

hip hip, hurray!

I PASSED (at least two-thirds of**) THE PRAXIS!!! By a lot!!! Now I can relax =)

**the writing portion involved an essay, so I have to wait for that to be scored. But I think I did well with that.


And later... I have more to say, on a far less lighter note. But I'm not in the mindset to tackle that right now.



=) =) =) =)

anywhere feels like home...

So you know how I really, really hate that cell phone stalker commercial? Well, I should hate it on principle alone... but I LOVE the Bacardi mojito commercial with those people dancing in all those different outfits. I typically hate alcohol commercials only slightly less than perfume commercials (because really, what does a bottle of perfume have to do with rolling around on a beach with some psuedo-sexy emaciated model person?) If alcohol commercials actually showed you what the product did, those people would be too drunk to dance, and they'd probably be passed out in a corner somewhere. But I do love vintage dresses...


My class is over, but work is just picking up. Summer reading club signups start tomorrow, so I get to start wearing my cute SRC shirts and carrying around my new elephant tote! Woohoo! It makes it a lot easier to decide what to wear in the morning...


Also, did you know that the new American Girl doll shares the same name as a terrorist? Not good, AG. We always have a few American Girl parties each summer, but I think we'll skip Rebecca. "Okay kids, here's how you commit arson!" And the craft could be drawing up your very own Most Wanted poster! No thanks...


=)

they didn't name me sarah for nothing

My boss said I looked like a princess today =)

i'm not unfaithful, but i'll stray...

I finished all three speeches! Go, me! And I totally got the weirdest topic for my last speech. We had to give a three-minute speech based on a prompt he gave us earlier in the class, and other people got stuff like what would you bring to a deserted island, or what is the best thing about being your gender. Well... I got a... different one. "If you could get plastic surgery, what would you get and why?" I was totally freaked out about it, but it ended up being really good for me. Dealing with things that make me uncomfortable always works out for the best in the end, so why do I always get so worried? It takes me a long time to tell how I feel about certain things, but once I start talking I just keep going and it feels so amazing. I felt so much better after I finished that speech. (And if you're curious, I said I would not get anything done, based on past experience.)

Good news: I've hung out with my high school friends twice this week, and they still love me and I love them for it. I need to stop expecting people to hurt me. They've proven by now that they would never intentionally do that. They are so awesome.

Bad news: My co-worker's son died. He was almost 40 and he never got there. He had cancer, and they had sent him home, saying there was nothing they could do... but he seemed like he had been doing well. He had custody of his teenage daughter. It's terrible...

Interesting news: I went to a Catholic elementary school graduation (not mine)... but oddly enough, a few of my old teachers were there! My seventh-grade science teacher recognized me, which seems odd so many years later. But I'm one of those people who reached my current height in sixth grade, so physically I didn't change as much as some people might have during that time period. And you know what? I thought the whole ceremony would make me all nostalgic and everything, and it did... but I just kept watching the parents and thinking, "I wish I had a kid." Weird, right? I DO want kids... but I don't think I will have my own. There are so many things that do not need to be passed on. And then I started thinking that if I did adopt a kid, I'd probably end up screwing it up... but I really do want kids. We'll see about that... I need to finish college first, anyway... and even then, I'll probably need some time...

it's catharsis time!

Yeah, I definitely underwent a mini-catharsis today. I wish I could have said how I felt.

Other random asides:

... I think my lips are getting bigger
... sappy music in TV shows annoys me
... how come whenever girls on TV shows hook up with someone, they always come into work (or wherever the other characters see them next) looking a not-so-hot mess!?!? And the guys never do. It's like, hello, we're the ones who have makeup...
... I love dancing with my co-workers, but I hate office gossip...
... having to wait an entire weekend plus a day to give my speech when I was supposed to go today makes me nervous/annoyed... (AND I wasted that green dress again!!! Hmmph. Black and white shift dress on Monday, I suppose.)

OH OH OH!!! I have tickets to see Salman Rushdie next month! Whoa. I need to find someone to go with me who doesn't think that Salman = fish spelled incorrectly.


I wish I knew why people liked me. I've been trying to figure it out for years, and sad to say, I haven't gotten any closer to figuring it out. I think I need a brain transplant.

add this to the list of things i never knew

So I'm researching for my speech on media bias in missing persons cases, and I come across none other than a website about... sneeze fetishes. Yes, some people get off on sneezing. And here I always found sneezing to be annoying and inconvenient. Who knew?

Okay, back to the speech, but I just had to share that...

he sits there choking on what they say...

One speech down, two to go! We haven't gotten our grades yet, but I think I did pretty well. The weather has been ridiculous lately... usually cold, but always gray and rainy, it seems. I think that's why I'm in such a bad mood all the time now. Well, not really all the time... I'm happy at school, and then I get home and it's like all my happiness is gone. Years ago, it would have been the exact opposite.


You know what else makes me happy? New clothes. I'm not sure that's a good thing. It means that I'm probably going to go poor sometime soon. At least I get most of my clothes at Target, so I guess I won't go that poor...??


I need to get my story finished. It's at like... 122 pages right now. I thought I'd end it around 150, but now I'm thinking maybe 160 or 170. I don't think I can wrap it up at 150. My goal is to have it completely finished by the end of June... so that means I would finish writing the ending around the middle of June, and then edit it for the rest of the month. And then, well, we'll see... I thought up a title that I like not too long ago, so I'm feeling really good about it. =)

are you calling me darling?

I have to give my first speech tomorrow! Well... hopefully tomorrow. I totally thought I had to give it today for some reason-- I think I thought today was tomorrow-- and I wore my new green dress! But that's okay, I still have my puffed-sleeve blouse and black skirt for tomorrow. However, if we run out of time and I have to go another day, I'll have nothing to wear. Instead of me imagining them in their underwear..........!!!


It's soooo cold out today, I had to wear tights before. At the end of May! Just last week I was wearing my short sleeveless dress and no tights, and I wasn't cold at all. Now, I'm freezing.


Is it wrong to want to buy more dresses? Like, a million more? Maybe if I clean out my wardrobe and only buy dresses from now on, it will be okay... it can just be my "thing," since I no longer wear headbands that often. Oh, and don't leave your favorite headband (well one of them) in your car, a word to the wise, cause it melted!! Not all of it, but I guess the inner part was plastic, and... yuck. But I have a similar one, although it's not quite as lovely. I don't wear my Keds much anymore either... my pink ones shrunk, and I'm kind of over the frog ones, although I still love the polka dot ones. So I am no longer the "headband and Keds" girl, and I need something new. Kind of an expensive new "thing," though... but maybe it's not so bad, because if you wear a dress, it's only one piece, and you could easily spend twice as much on jeans and a nice shirt. I love being able to justify things to myself. Well, except for California... that's one thing I won't be able to justify. =(

so break me to small parts, let go in small doses...

I'm feeling bad for people I barely know, and for people I never knew at all. My cousin's niece's roommate was murdered by her father, along with her mother and little sister, probably about a month ago. My cousin just found out, and she told us. I only met the niece a couple of times; at parties, I think. I can't remember her, although my mother described her for me. I just read an article on CNN about the rise in murder-suicides, and I probably read about this at some point but I never thought that anyone I knew might be personally affected. I never got along with my roommate, but I certainly wouldn't have wanted her to die. I can't even imagine... her half of the room, full of everything she owns, and she's not coming back and she had no idea. How do you sleep in there? How do you pass your finals after that?


They always say you should tell the people you care for that you care for them, but you really can't. Most people aren't thinking in terms of possible death, and they'll stare at you like you have six heads or think you're in love with them. I wish I could tell everyone I love how much I love them. I know that when I die, if it's slow and I have time to think-- I know I'll be regretting that. But I'm not brave enough to take precautions.

i think sarah's pit bull escaped...

Funny story. So I get home from work tonight, and my mom is talking on the phone. I can hear the person on the other end, and from what I piece together, one of our neighbors has called because she saw my dog and was wondering if it had escaped. Nice, right? Except I don't have a dog... and, as my mom later deduced from the conversation, the woman who called actually lived a couple towns over. But she asked for me by name, because she was convinced my pit bull had escaped. I don't have a dog, and if I did, I'm willing to bet it would not be a pit bull. So that was my bit of fun for the night, because the season finale of NCIS was so NOT fun! Sigh. It was definitely better than House, though... but, sadly, most things these days are.


I'm thinking of getting a DVR. I know they're expensive, but there's a ton of random shows I always hear about that sound interesting (usually on TLC or some such) and then I'm never able to watch them, either because I'm busy or not home. I don't watch that many shows normally, but it would be nice to be able to record Phillies games when I'm not home and then watch them when I have the time. Also, I could actually watch Cold Case, which I never do because I am perpetually busy on Sunday nights. And it would solve the problem of the 1/2 of the season when House and NCIS are on different channels at the same time. Maybe as a reward to myself for my 3.8 GPA... yay! So I started looking up information, but if anyone has any experience with DVRs, please let me know... I'm feeling a little clueless.


My speech class is going well so far. And work is good too. We had special needs storytime tonight, and the kids are soooo cute and awesome. I definitely need to find out more about picking up that special education minor. Also, it will be warm tomorrow (it's been pretty cold lately, although it did warm up some this afternoon) and maybe I can wear one of my new dresses! Life is awesome.

the ghost in the itunes, and other random excitement

There is a ghost in my iTunes. Well, I think there is, anyway. It's not set on repeat, but for some reason, whenever I play a song today, it automatically skips to Elliott Smith's "Speed Trials." Which is a great song, but I don't feel like listening to it nonstop, so...


My summer class starts tomorrow! It's speech, and I think it will be fun, but every time I tell someone I'm taking it, they're all "oh I hated speech" or "oh my gosh aren't you so scared!?!?" Well... no. I like giving speeches. My only real concern is that after listening to 15 speeches in a row, I might fall asleep or something...


I bought some fun summer clothes yesterday. I also realized that it if weren't for Target, I would either be poor or unclothed (more likely poor, because I'd be stuck at the Gap.) Can I just say how much I love dresses???? Seriously. All of the shorts I tried on were ridiculously low-waisted. The dresses are way more comfortable and prettier, too.


And I also love Wii Fit. I love a lot of things these days!

stalking isn't sexy

Okay. You know that commercial where the guy keeps sending the girl text messages from all over the world, with pictures of him and "Hi from..."? And it has that "I'm falling for you" song in it? Well, I know it because it's becoming quite possibly the most overplayed commercial ever. And the other day I was talking to someone, I don't even remember who, about it, and they said they thought it was cute. Well... IT'S NOT. Stalking is not sexy. That part at the end where he texts the picture of her to her!?!? So not cute, and so very creepy. I would not be running into his arms, I would be running AWAY and calling the police.

So, potential suitors, just a note: Reenact that commercial, and you'll be in handcuffs, but not in the way you had hoped...

hey, you! get off of my cloud!

Newsflash:

YOU'RE NOT PERFECT EITHER.

Far from it, really. So kindly SHUT UP and deal with your own life, because you have no place in mine.


/end rant


=)

my riches can't buy everything...

61st post. Congratulations, me.

I have this idea that everyone else's life is like... some road somewhere, and they're just a car going along. And they might break down, or they might take a wrong turn, but eventually they're going to get there. And me? I never even made it out of the garage. The road might be out there, or it might not be, but I can't even get the door to go up to let me out. Cliches and metaphors abound tonight.


Apparently five-year-olds think I'm pretty, but why can't twentysomethings? And if some certain twentysomethings did think I was pretty, how would I even know? I will never fully let myself accept that some people may sometimes find me pretty. It's odd, considering my preteen/early teen years and the acting and modeling and pageants, the years when my looks made up most of what mattered and when someone told me I was pretty, I knew they were right. But now? I have no idea, now. I've tortured myself so much for so long that I don't think I will ever fully believe anything good about myself.


I feel some catharsis coming on. I hope it's soon...

lie, lie better next time...

Can someone please explain to me why Miss California USA still has her title? Well, I know why; if policies were actually enforced, we'd have all the whining that "but Tara got to keep her title and what she did was worse... and OMG she's only losing her title because she spoke out against gay marriage... boohoo..." What I don't think a lot of people realize is that when you win a title of this caliber, it becomes your JOB. Everyone has certain things they need to do for their jobs; going to meetings, giving speeches, or whatever your job description requires. Carrie has been missing pageant appearances in order to promote her views on marriage. This was not the Miss Christian America pageant (although, yes, there is one), and while that might be acceptable there, it isn't here. Do your job, and if there's time left over, then go out and promote. If I decide to leave work later to give a speech on how I wish Donald Trump would have stood up and done the right thing, I wouldn't have a job to come back to... because that is not part of my job. I can, however, write a blog entry about it on my own time. See the difference?

Also, poor first runner-up. Oh, Tami. This must have been a heck of a few weeks for you. You have already proven that you can handle titles, and I'm sure you would have done quite well with this one.

Okay, on to a new topic. SPOILER ALERT... if you haven't seen the season finale of House yet, do NOT keep reading!! (unless you want to...)






WHAT. A. HORRENDOUS. EPISODE.

Seriously. You cannot give us 45 minutes (minus an endless amount of commericials) of scraps from the cutting room floor strung together haphazardly, and then give us 15 decent minutes with a great ending, and think that that makes up for it. IT DOESN'T.

Also, for the wedding scene, all I could think was: poor, poor Jesse and Jennifer. That must have been beyond awkward for you.

And Wilson and House have more chemistry than Cuddy and House ever did. Enough said.




/spoilers


Okay. Also, I got my final grade, an A-... yay 3.8 GPA!!! And I went to the Phillies game, and we lost but it was still so much fun. And I went to my first hockey game ever, and it was pretty exciting, and they won! So yay for that. Also, I started my summer job yesterday, and I'm glad to be back. Life is good these days.

they say they know me, but they only know my name...

School is over. Well, I'm taking a summer class, but only one so I'm not really counting that. Five of my six grades are in... four As and one B+. I have no idea how I managed that, but I'm really glad I did. I'm glad about a lot of things, actually. Glad for the school, and the people I met there, and my summer job, and the fact that I'm going to a Phillies game on Saturday!! Phillies vs. Braves. I know we're all about the Mets rivalry now, but I will always dislike the Braves a lot more... I think it has something to do with the tomahawk chop. ;)

I am so excited about my life, but I still have those feelings of negativity and doubt. They're not as bad, but it's hard for me to make them go away. The stuff that I feel so bad about happened years ago, and it said more about other people than it did about me, but... I want to be perfect, and it's hard when things are so close to perfect but they don't quite get there. Things are really good now, though, and that's what I need to keep the focus on. It's always been hard for me to accept that some things can't be fixed, but the sooner I understand that, the better.

But for now, all good things. My grades are good, and my sister and her boyfriend are visiting this weekend, and I'm going to the most beautiful place on earth tomorrow (aka Citizens Bank Park), and my mom is buying me lunch today! And, hopefully, I can sell some of my textbooks back today and make a little money, because they wouldn't take the ones I tried to sell back yesterday. =( Anyone know any good websites to sell back books on, other than ebay?

More in a few days, maybe...

i found that secret door...

My life has gotten so amazing, I can't even believe it. I have so much hope it's about to start pouring out of my ears... well, maybe not, but you know what I mean. Everything has gotten so, so good. My moments of doubt are fewer and farther between now. For years, people have been telling me that I am good, and I am finally starting to believe it. I wish I had figured that out years ago.

My one professor told me today that she thinks I should become a college professor. Interesting. I love little kids, and I always said I would never teach high school-age students, but college... maybe. We'll see. It could be interesting.

I also want to do research. I have so many ideas, so many different things I want to do... I don't know how to do them all, but I want to find out. I thought twenty was too old to start figuring things out, but I think it's right on time.

they'll never replace me, i'll be back...

Can I just say that I'm really glad that no one has made a documentary on my life? I'm really glad that no one has made a documentary on my life. (At least not yet.) There; I said it.

don't go too far, stay who you are...

Life has been good lately. The wedding was fun and amazing and I really wish my cousins lived closer. The audition went well; there were a ton of people there, and I'm not expecting to hear back from them, but it was still a great experience. School is almost over, which is awesome. I had a hilarious conversation with my mother last night, during which my father entered the room and she asked him, "Where did you meet your first gay person? In the army?" Oh, Mom...

Can I just say I am so over the whole Miss California thing? I really am. Her answer was borderline nonsensical, and that has nothing to do with the fact that she doesn't support gay marriage. It was an opinion question, and she answered it, but she did not answer it well. (Hint: The judges aren't interested in what your family thinks, and I could go on about the beginning of her answer...) If her opinion had really been held against her, there is no way she would have come in first runner-up. Perez is ridiculous (in a bad way), but I don't think she was scored badly because of her actual opinion, or she suddenly would have jumped to fourth runner-up. Miss North Carolina is adorable and I'm glad she won.

Well, I have one more class to schedule, so I'm off...

it's down to me...

Do you ever feel that if you talk about something-- make it real, or acknowledge it-- that it just won't happen? I feel like that right now. But I should feel pretty good. Class was cancelled today, and my sister is coming home, and it's (almost) Easter. All good things. But the most exciting thing... the thing I'm afraid to make real, because I want it so much... is on Monday. On Monday, I have an audition. And it will go well, because it needs to go well. I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and this needs to be the reason.

So I need to figure out what to wear to that. And also, what to wear to the wedding that's coming up very soon. And I can't stop thinking about thigh-high boots, but somehow I feel like that would be appropriate for neither occasion. It's funny; we were talking about attention in my child development class yesterday, and the professor started asking the girl in front of me what she was thinking about. And she said something normal, like how she had to go to work later. I was just glad she didn't call on me; "thigh-high tan leather boots" would have been a very odd answer to that question.

So now I have things to do later, things to take my mind off the things I don't want to think about. I need to shop tomorrow, and buy an outfit (or two) and shoes (or twelve) because there is an amazing shoe sale at the store I'm going to. (Maybe I'll get my boots... yeah, not likely...) I also need to set up my GPS, because I can't afford to get lost on my way to the audition. And I should get a haircut, because I've been putting it off for months, but I know I won't do that. Trichotillomania is not really conducive to a good haircutting experience, and I also don't want to be told "OMG honey you need to dye your hair!!!!!!! You can't be 20 years old and going white!" Yeah, sorry, I am. Deal with it. I have.

somedays aren't yours at all

Someday...

I will be able to separate other people's opinions of me from my opinions of myself.

I hope it's someday soon.

when you're haunted by the demons that will never let you rest...

There is no point. Really there isn't. I've worked so hard, tried to tell myself it was okay, that I was okay, that I was worth something... all for nothing. Because really, the point of it is, it does not matter what you think of yourself. It is all about what others think of you. And no one is EVER going to let me think, even for a minute, that I'm worth something. I don't want to kill myself, really I don't, but what else is there and someday I won't be able to stop myself.

who'd have thought tomorrow could be so strange?

This is my 52nd entry. I had no idea that I had posted so much. I really think this blog has helped me, and as a mini-PSA, anyone out there reading this who doesn't have a blog of their own should get one. Or even just a regular, private journal. Writing down everything really helps, or at least it helps me. It's worth a try.

Today was so, so good. Except for the rain, but at least I had my hat. I love my hat and I will be sad when it's too hot to wear it (it's knitted.) But other things were good. I had an amazing conversation today that helped me to realize that it is so much better to get out of a bad situation than to force yourself to suffer through it... no matter what other people think. I desperately needed validation (bad, I know) and I finally got it. I can move on now. I can try.

I've also realized... if I was anywhere near as bad as I thought I was, I would be locked up by now. I am not a bad person and I need to start believing that. I am going to keep writing, and keep acting, and that will make me happy and I will get out of this. And I hope that someday, I will look back on all these years and wonder why I wasted them through my self-hatred. And it will all be behind me. It's already behind me.

nothing is taking me down...

I have soooo much to do but I'm soooo not worried about it. Which is unusual, as normally I'd be attempting to breathe deeply and falling off the chair... but tonight is different. I'm just typing away, waiting for the president to finish talking so that I can watch NCIS. Yeah, my priorities are in order. And then it's Toddlers and Tiaras... woohoo!

So I played a pregnant lady this weekend, and it was so much fun. I love acting. I forgot exactly how happy I felt when I acted... there are few feelings that compare to it. Well, few feelings I've experienced, anyway. (If you read that first sentence there and don't realize I'm talking about acting, it looks really messed up... muahaha...)

I think I will paint my nails tonight. Medium purple or teal? And whichever color I don't use on my fingers will go on my toes. My toes haven't been painted in awhile, but I feel spring-y today, even though it was freezing before and I may have developed mild hypothermia just from walking to class. Oh, and I've also determined that if all of my first cousins marry in order, I will have to get married in 2014, at age 25. Not bad. Although, with the way things are going these days, I might need an arranged marriage. My mom has been trying to set me up for years, but unfortunately most of her picks seem to be not too interested in women...

a simple prop to occupy my time...

Do you think it's humanly possible to walk in 8-inch heels? Well, I'm sure someone has done it. I'm 5'8" without them, so massively high heels are in no way necessary for me (not that they really are for anyone...), but I just want to see what it would be like to walk in them. The bad thing is that the only ones I've found so far are those clear platform hooker-ish ones, so I'm not quite sure they'd go with anything I own...

I bought a very spring-y purse the other day. It has hot pink and orange in it, but it's toned down so it isn't gaudy or anything. I love it. I also should probably not be allowed to have a credit card, but oh well. I never really go overboard, so I'm sure I'll be fine.

I haven't cried in a really long time. Something upsetting happened and I should have cried, but I just couldn't. I know people think I'm heartless when I don't cry; I didn't cry when I found out a relative who lived nearby was moving far away, and my mom and sister were mad at me for it. I don't cry at funerals either. Oddly enough, I cry about things that are less upsetting, and for acting purposes I can usually make myself cry. But I'll just never understand how people can judge you for not crying. Just because you're not crying doesn't mean you're not upset.

will there be someone left to sing your blues?

I feel like I haven't posted in forever... hmm. I was sick over break and then school started stressing me out (yeah, in just a couple of days) but I'm okay now... ish. I swear I try to stress myself out, I really do. It's like, if I don't worry about something enough, then I won't be prepared for when it goes badly... but it usually doesn't. You'd think that twenty years into my life, I would have figured that out.

Toddlers and Tiaras was pretty great yesterday. It's funny that so many of the pageant people were so worried about seeing the WV crowd, but I don't really think that any of the fears were realized. It was better than most of the other episodes, anyway. Can I just say that I love boys in pageants? I love boys in pageants; there, I said it. I love supportive pageant dads, too. And I don't understand why some people, even people who support pageants, don't support boys in pageants. If girls can play football and other traditionally male sports, why can't a boy be in pageants? Justin Timberlake did pageants, and it certainly didn't cause him any problems...

So I'm doing that acting thing on Sunday. I get to be a pregnant lady! Now I just have to figure out how to make myself look pregnant... any ideas?

take it in stride, take it in stride...

I look as desperate as I feel, if not more so. Everyone says they can't tell but you would have to be oblivious.

if only a heart could be as white as snow...

Who would I be if I hadn't devoted my life to acting? Not acting in its real sense; I haven't been on a stage to act in so long. What I mean is, my life is a stage, and has been since I was at least fourteen. When I was younger, too. So many times, so many things I have said and done... it was all acting. When I was younger, I knew too much and knew I didn't act as "young" as other kids my age. So I said silly things to make people smile, tried to distract them with my cuteness, and it worked. Then I took a break for a few years, because I just couldn't fit in during those years no matter how hard I tried. Once I hit about fourteen or so, I knew what to do seemingly overnight; how to do my hair, what color eyeshadow to wear, what kind of shoes... everything. I didn't say things I wanted to say, touched boys I never wanted to touch, listened to other people lie and knew I would never call them on it. From commission to (mostly) omission.

I'm at another stage of my life where I just can't act anymore. All the things I used to ignore, I just can't, no matter how hard I try. I've learned that most people are acting as well, but they seem to be better at it than I am. They'll act for their whole lives, when I can only act for a few years at a time. And I can't help but wonder: who would I be if I weren't an actor?

no, i will not get my boots on

So I was supposed to leave today to visit my sister, but leave it to me to get sick over break. Ugh. At least I've downloaded the new U2 CD to keep me company, and I must admit that I am (so far) pleasantly surprised... it's not as bad as their last CD was by a long shot. Although I do think that "Get On Your Boots" is a Vertigo 2.0, which, in my book, is not so good. Why do bands always release their worst songs!? Oh well. I'm also downloading the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs, which I am majorly excited about.

I finished observing yesterday, sadly. The kids were awesome! I would love to be a kindergarten teacher. Although that reminds me... now I have to work on my observation log... and do my math extra credit... and start my child development paper... breaks are not really breaks when you have so much work to do...

Also, I may be doing some acting soon. I haven't found out officially yet. But if I do, I will be playing... a pregnant woman! Ha! That won't be too difficult... just get me some spandex and feed me a little, and I will definitely look it...

i love spring break...

... and not in a "because I get to get drunk and participate in wet t-shirt contests" way. I just really needed to relax, and now I think I'll get to. Tomorrow is my last day of observing, which is sad because I love the kids! But summer reading club is on its way, so I can start focusing on that and that will be good. The only bad thing is I'm a bit sick, with a sore throat and some sniffles. Leave it to me to be fine all semester and get sick now. Another good thing is I have an iTunes gift card and I think I want to buy the U2 CD, but going by their previous CD and what I've heard of the new single, this could turn out to be a really, really bad thing. Sigh...

I have nothing really to do the rest of the week, other than a bit of schoolwork (sigh), so I'm hoping that I get to go visit my sister. If she wants me, that is. I also may have found a new hobby, but more about that later...


Edit: How could I let my brain block this out? I just got invited to my second wedding ever (babysitting at a wedding doesn't count if you don't actually get to be at the ceremony or reception...) with a GUEST. What guest? Yeah right. Too bad my family will have to keep thinking I'm a lesbian, unless I meet someone really, really fast... sounds like a bad romantic comedy waiting to happen...

i could not foresee this thing happening to you.

Can you ever really escape the things that have hurt you? Especially the things you once loved, or at least enjoyed? There's a reason I don't have friends anymore, and I'm not lonely. I know it's for the best.

all my loves are hidden in pieces...

Really, really hilarious story. My coworker's son (he's eight) is interested in acting, so she took him to an audition for a movie that's shooting locally. He auditioned really well, so they called and asked if he wanted to play an altar boy in the movie. Yay! Great! Well... until they explained it. You see, in this movie, there's all flashbacks and everything, and apparently the scene he was going to be in was set up so that you would think the altar boy was molested. Um. No thanks. But they gave him a different part, so he's going to take that, which is good. (Although his new part is a ghost, and I mentioned that she might want to find out WHY he's a ghost... muahaha...)

Oh, and observing at the kindergarten is going amazingly. The kids are s0 cute and sweet.


More later...

when you're on, i swear you're on...

So... tomorrow is my first day of observation for my major. And I get to observe at a kindergarten. =) I'm really, really excited. I love little kids and it will be fun to watch them. I would love to teach kindergarten... really anywhere K-2, and probably 3rd would be fine as well. I like older kids, but I love little kids! They're so smart and funny. I just have to make sure I get everything in order... I need my observation journal, my clearances (what a pain, but I have everything I need, I think. Including my TB test results... a TB-free me!) Okay, time to stop rambling about how I heart kids... how creepy do I sound?

More weird dreams lately. I dreamed that I met this guy I used to like and he was wearing a heavy-knit Barbie pink sweater, which was... interesting. I hugged him anyway though, in my dream. I do love me some Barbie pink.

You know, I had all these ideas of how my life was going to be when I grew up. Not so much now, the college years... but later on. I haven't gotten there yet and I already know what is going to happen; or more, what isn't going to happen. I'm not going to have some big happy extended family. I never had that before, and short of marrying into the Duggars (and the cute older one is already taken... sigh) or becoming OctoMom #2, I'm probably never going to have a huge family. Most of the family we have now, they aren't too interested in us. We're basically estranged from one side of our family, and I'm not particularly interested in getting involved with that whole situation. It was never about us 'kids,' they always said, but really it was and it's too late for us now. Other parts of the family are drifting away, for reasons unknown... one aunt seems to hate us and we don't know why. My sweet 'little cousins' (they really aren't little anymore, the oldest is a senior in high school) and their families skipped my graduation party in favor of a country music concert. They didn't call or send a card. Maybe it's not as serious as it seems, but for me, I've long thought that that was their way of telling me that our closeness was over. My other cousins are either older and moving on-- grad school, marriage-- or live so far away from us that we never see them. I don't want to think that this is my fault, and it's not, but I'll say this anyway: I've always felt like if I were prettier or more impressive, the rest of our family would be just a little more interested in me. But I'm not, and they're not. And even my sister and I aren't getting along these days, and I'll never let my father anywhere near my future children, and I just hope my future husband has a big family, because it looks like that's my only shot.

it's so strange, it's something new

I need to find a way to get some higher self-esteem. Case in point... I got a test back today, and I was sure that I had done fairly well, at least a B or so. Well, then the professor says that only three people got As, and that a ton of people failed or came close to it... so I'm mentally panicking, thinking I got an F. Well, I get my test back and it's an A. Why do I doubt myself? I knew that I knew the material.


The other night was interesting. We had our anniversary party at work, an event where everyone dresses semi-fancily and there are lots of drinks and food and board members. I actually had a really nice outfit to wear, so that was exciting. The party, however... well. Kind of crowded, kind of a lot of people at least twice my age. (I don't mind talking to people twice my age, but whenever my mom is around all conversation reverts to, "Ohh! So this is your baby!" Either that, or I spend five minutes explaining that I am really not my sister.) So I hid in the back and read Craigslist missed encounters for awhile. Also, my boss and I were dressed alike! It's kind of creepy how we always wear the same colors. So anyway, it was a decent time, mostly just because I got to dress up, and because how if you think Craiglist missed encounters from wherever you live are funny, you have GOT to see the ones from where I live. Not that I'll ever tell you where I live, but let's just say there is a fair amount of "I saw you at the bar/funeral home/church and you had a perm and a stonewashed fringed miniskirt..."

Oh, and I am totally kind of in like with someone. Oops. Can this please end well for once?

how long to sing this song?

There are things I'm not allowed to speak of. Things I can't say because of the place I have put myself in. Am I bad? Should I speak what I know? If you knew something that could hurt a lot of people, not physically but in so many other ways... would you tell them? Even if someone might retaliate against you? I know what I should do. And I know that I probably won't do it.

you've been starring in my dreams...

I can't decide if I like dreaming or hate it. I mostly like my dreams while I'm asleep, but then when I wake up I miss them so much that it isn't worth it to have them at all. I had some wacky dreams last night, though. The first dream I had was... I dreamed a horror movie. Like, there was a horror movie going on in my head, and I have no idea why. I knew while I was dreaming it that I should be scared, but I woke up and I wasn't scared at all. I don't remember much of it, but if you've ever played the game "Night Trap," the villains kind of looked like the ones from there. The plot wasn't the same, though, from what I recall. And there wasn't an awesome theme song to go with it.

Then I dreamed that I was back in grade school, except classes were being held in a grocery store that I used to go to as a little kid. The only correlation I can see there is that my first grade teacher also worked at that supermarket, but I'm not sure if I dreamed about it for that reason. I knew that I had been there in my dreams before, because it felt so familiar. That happens to me a fair amount; I go to the same place in my dreams, though usually it isn't a place that really exists. It is usually a store, though. I guess I'm in consumer mode even in my dreams...

But usually, my dreams aren't scary-esque or just plain weird. They're usually really, really nice and happy. I think that that should tip me off; if things seem unusually good, then I should know it's time to wake up. I dream about other people a lot, but never in a way that would make sense... I don't usually start dreaming about people until a few years after I last see them or actually spend time with them. And I don't miss them in my dreams, or in real life... we just have fun in my dreams. (A chaste kind of fun, you know.) But in real life, people usually screw me over. And often, the people I dream about are no longer in my life for that reason. I think my dreams would be better if I remembered that and bitch-slapped them. I'll have to try to include that in my next dream.

are these words distraction to the words you want to hear?

Watched "Toddlers and Tiaras" last night. The show could probably use a new name, considering the youngest girl they followed was... what, 7? But I really liked all the girls and the moms. I thought Madison was so pretty... I loved her hair! I loved her dress too. I hope she does get a coach... those arms swinging all over the place in her (sportswear? casualwear? what were they calling it?) walk did not help her chances. The prissy walking coach was awesome too. Prissy walk is crazy and I love it... I'll admit I tried it a few times to see if I could still do it (needless to say, no one 'prissy walked' back when I competed, but I taught myself for the hell of it... haha) and I could! I have to admit, the crazier pageants get, the more fun they are. And watching last night really really made me want to do a pageant, though maybe not "Miss Chitlin Strut" (aka Miss Pig Intestine... EW! And here I was thinking 'chitlin strutting' was a way of walking!) Not a hardcore pageant, maybe just a tiny one. Too bad there are really no festival/hometown pageants around here... one I've aged out of (and it was a very odd breakdown... ages 12-19 in the Miss category? WHAT!?) and that was pretty far away... the others are even farther. I think there are some a couple of hours away in the late spring/summer... maybe I'll give one of those a try? Who knows. Or maybe I'll talk myself out of it yet again and feel miserable about it yet again.

There was more I wanted to say, but I never really get around to it. I read some stuff about bullying and it really took me back... and not in a good way. If I feel like getting even more depressed, maybe I'll talk about that later.

experimentation

For those of you who have never seen me (which is, most likely, everyone), I've been compared to Disney's version of Snow White. I even had the haircut, though it's grown out now. Since my hair is black, I've never dyed it anything other than the original shade (because my hair is going white, which is another story for another time), but I've always wanted to dye it blonde. I've decided that someday, when I am very, very brave, I am going to...

1) Dye my hair blonde. Not platinum blonde, but a lighter blonde.
2) Get a spray tan.
3) Get tips put on my nails.
4) Wear something very, very unlike me. I haven't quite figured out what that would be yet, but it would probably involve five-inch heels and a fun dress or skirt in a bright color.
5) See what happens.

I don't think it would look terrible, considering I'm very pale anyway (although the spray tan would negate the issue.) It would be very unfortunate when my roots start to show, though, and my eyebrows are black, sooo...

Would it make me feel any better? That's mostly the reason I want to do it, that and a touch of curiosity. The more I hide myself, the more I try, the better I feel. I see other girls show up to class in sweats, and I wish I could do that, but I'd feel terrible about myself if I did. So I'd rather go to the other extreme... cover myself up and see if it helps. I suppose it's worth a try.

i heart valentine's day

Reasons why I loved Valentine's Day:

1) I got really cute, nice, fun things. Like candy, and a really sweet card, AND a Snuggie! For those who aren't well versed in random "as seen on TV" items, a Snuggie is a long blanket with sleeves. And it's awesome. I have it on right now, and I'm warm and happy and typing... yay!
2) Our American Girl party went amazingly today... the kids were soooo cute and it was really low-stress and fun. And we had a waiting list so long that we get to have another party next month!
3) A little boy I babysit for is getting his Make-A-Wish day! (He had a stroke when he was a baby and has had tons of medical problems since then.) I am soooo happy for him and he deserves it so much. And he picked the cutest things for his "big day"... a trip to a local restaurant for breakfast (and he'll be traveling by limo... yay!), then he's going to an electronics store and getting some really fun stuff, including a Wii. I know he's going to have an awesome time and I'm really thrilled about it.

Reasons why I didn't:

1) My boss made me grumpy. (Just a note for the future-- sometimes I refer to two separate people as my boss. Technically, there is *my* boss-- the one in charge of me-- and then there's *her* boss, who is basically in charge of everyone. Just know that if I post nice, happy things about the person, it's usually *my* boss, and anything grumpy I post is mainly about the other one.) There were multiple things she said to piss me off, but my "favorite" one is when she told me I was "too moral to live." She did take it back and say she had meant it to refer to someone else, but she didn't bring up that person until much later, so I don't believe her. Sorry if I have morals... someone's got to!

Hmm. I really need to study math. That's about to make me grumpy. But maybe if I keep on my Snuggie and consume some chocolate hearts, it won't make me quite as grumpy...

praxis woes

So in order to get "entrance to major" at my school, which basically means a list of things you have to do and if you don't d0 them correctly and on time you can't get the degree in the major you want there, you have to take the Praxis tests. Unfortunately, I'm having the worst time trying to sign up for them. My school suggests you take the computerized test, which is what I wanted to do anyway, so I needed to make an appointment. For the computerized test, you can't sign up online, only over the phone. So I called the local test center, and all they have is a message that says "you need to sign up online!" So I go to the website they suggested, and it says... guess what... you can't sign up online. It says "call your test center or our 800 number!" Since the test center told me I couldn't register there, I call the 800 number... and all I hear is "jdvgndigujowszvlsv!" Well, that's what it sounded like... I couldn't even decipher one WORD of what they were saying. I think it was a recording, because if not it was just a human robot with an inability to speak english. So my brain exploded and I hung up. I really hope I figure this out soon, because due to my transferring I have to pass the tests by the end of this semester... eek!!

There's a dance coming up for work, and I was realllly excited because I love dances. This one is at a local social club, and it's a benefit for our library. Sadly it was only 21+, but my boss said she would get me in. Hurray! But then... I learned that it involved REAL dancing. Like, jitterbug and waltz and all that stuff. Which I cannot do (the only "real" dance I've ever learned was polka, and I don't remember any of it), and I don't have a partner anyway. So no dance for me... sigh.

But... in non-frustrating news... I'm doing really well in school. And my professors heart me... I think. Muahahaha. And, in really cool news, my mom got this bag thing that you can put all your gowns into, and it compresses them so that a zillion puffy gowns can fit into one large bag. So no longer will they take over my dad's closet (they wouldn't fit in mine... haha...) I couldn't even believe they were my gowns when I saw how small that bag was and how tiny they looked. I can pretend they are that tiny because I am a size double zero, but sadly... not so much. ;)

Also, my novel is going awesomely. (I doubt that's a word... but I like it anyway...) I felt like it was bad, but then I re-read what I have done so far and saw that it did indeed "flow" and make sense. I love my main character. I'd totally marry her if A) she was real, and B) if I was a lesbian, and C) if that was legal in my state. Scandalous, right!? However, I noticed that in 85 pages, I had only included one physically present male and just a few mentions of guys in general. Luckily some guys came along in the next couple of pages, because I was starting to worry that I just could not write males. It's not so much that I can't write them, as much as I just... won't. There are never any dads in my stories, and it's not even necessarily that people are divorced or single or anything... it's like there were never any men in my characters' lives at all. I should probably fix that. Hey, my one writing professor said I had "mom issues", but I'd have to say it's more like "dad issues"... or men-in-general issues...

And for my final statements of the day:

1) I know I promised to write about Michael Phelps and everything, but not just yet. I will say that you MUST read Michael Wilbon's column from the Washington Post about it. A lot of people are slamming Wilbon for being on his "high horse," but I agree with every word he says. My favorite parts were when he said that not everyone smoked pot in college, and that it's NOT okay just because "everyone else is doing it." Read the article here: http://http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/03/AR2009020303468.html, because he summed up my feelings so perfectly that I don't even need to say anything else about this.

2) I want new pictures. I was looking at my last set (from 2006) and they are HILARIOUS. My favorite one is the sleazy black-and-white glamour shot where I've looking over my semi-bare shoulder (semi-bare because my jacket is like, falling off... AWESOME.) I need some nice grown-up non-seductive ones... but we'll see about that.

Okay, I'm off to attempt this Praxis thing again...

is that all you want from me?

Well, since I don't have class til four today, I do have time to comment on some of the things I touched on yesterday... and maybe some more, if I feel like it...

1) Toddlers and Tiaras, "Miss Georgia Spirit"... random thoughts. I think I'll put them in list form, just because I do love my lists:
1) Dear Marleigh's mother... STOP letting your two-year-old hit you! Yes, it is the terrible twos, but there's a difference between a kid saying "no" all the time and actually smacking you! Time for some discipline (and no, not spanking or anything, I don't believe in that... just, how about laying down some rules and having consequences?) I didn't really like Marleigh's mom that much, but I also don't like seeing people get smacked around by their kids. I DO think Marleigh at least likes pageants somewhat, because she seemed to be having fun onstage, but she didn't seem to be interested in getting her nails done or her lipstick on or anything. So... if she was my kid... I'd either take her out of pageants until she was three or so and then see if she was more interested, OR let her do the occasional natural pageant where she doesn't need any makeup or anything, or just find her a new hobby...
2) I really, really loved Kayleigh. She was adorable. Her family was sweet. I was pulling for her to win... until she actually got onstage. She wasn't making good eye contact and seemed kind of scared. Her swimsuit didn't do much for me, either, although as I said in my last entry I LOVED her dress!
3) Story was cute. I loved all of her outfits, although I thought Kayleigh's dress was prettier than hers. I loved when she meditated, and her brother was hilarious with the "I'm not the weatherman" thing.
4) I thought this episode would be a wreck, and except for the RIDICULOUS "oops we made a mistake and we crowned the wrong girl"/"well we didn't really like Story..." thing, it wasn't that bad. Marleigh's mom didn't make pageant moms look all that great, but Story's mom and coach and Kayleigh's mom and aunt seemed fine and weren't pushy or anything. I will say that I hope that system goes right down the tubes, because WHO in their right mind talks about their winner (Story) like that?? Also read somewhere else where one of the director's husbands was a judge, which is a huge conflict of interest, but who knows if that's true...

2) House, "The Greater Good." I think that since one of the last episodes was called "Painless", this one should have been called "Painful," because it was just that... painful to watch. I loved Thirteen's whole "Oh no. I am blind. This is good because now I can get some more mileage out of my blank stare. Oh hey Foreman, I can see you! Because of course I call my boyfriend by his last name... soooo romantic..." Also, Cuddy is just mean now, and what is it with everyone wanting kids?? First Cuddy gets the baby, then Thirteen wants kids, now Taub? I'm not a big fan of analyzing a writer's work by focusing on them, but I think somebody on the writing staff really really wants a baby... I do really like Taub's wife though. I hope we see more of her. And bring back Cameron, I heart her. Also, although I am not the biggest fan of him, I do think we should be seeing more Chase. I know their 100th episode wasn't supposed to be anything special, but I would be sad if I were on a show and I didn't even get included in such a milestone episode...

3) I will talk about the "Curse of Getting Involved" in a later entry, because I have some non-Internet-related stuff I need to get done. Also I will possibly talk about Michael Phelps and how I really hate when people smoke pot...

somebody's eyes are watching...

I love my little blog contraption thing that lets me see who's hitting on my blog. (Is that the right term? I've seen it used before, but now that I read it, it sounds like someone is flirting with/"propositioning" my blog, and that can't be right...) Since I explained that very poorly, just look to the right of my entries and you'll see it... it lists the locations where people who found my blog are from. It's really exciting to see people looking from around the country, and even from other countries. =D So, if you stumble across my blog, say hi! I heart lurkers... (and on a random note, did anyone ever read the Georgia books? With that British girl? Didn't she call zits "lurkers"? Well, in that case, maybe I don't heart lurkers...)

I have class in an hour, so I probably won't have time to say as much as I'd like, but just as a reminder to myself, I need to/want to comment on a couple of things at some point...

1) Toddlers & Tiaras, "Miss Georgia Spirit" (Is it really wrong to covet a six-year-old's dress? Creepy maybe, but oh my gosh, Kayleigh's blue gown was BEAUTIFUL... and even though I do love writing, please remind me not to name any of my future children Story...)

2) House, "The Greater Good/Thirteen Goes Blind, Foreman Is A Zombie, And Where The Hell Are Cameron And Chase!?" (I better get out my lifejacket and start praying, because I think we're about to "jump the shark"...)

3) The Curse of Getting Involved... this deals with me and things I've noticed about my past, although it also sounds like a great name for a self-help book on how to just say no...


Also, does anyone have any advice on how to make my blog look cute and fun? I saw a header on someone else's blog... it was adorable, with her blog title in a nice font and pictures of her kids and stuff. Obviously I won't be using pictures of my nonexistent children, but I would love a header of my own, so any advice would be great...

On a side note, the more I see of the world, the less I like it... and the more I learn, the more scared I get... how unfortunate is that? Maybe I'll expand more on that later as well, but Infant and Child Development is calling my name...

where do we go from here? where to go...

I definitely made the right choice as far as college goes. I'm so happy I transferred. There's the occasional hour/day/whatever when I have my "I'm a failure" moment, but I'm trying to tell myself that no one really thinks that other than me. I really like my school, and the professors are amazing... they just know so much. Plus it's way cheaper than my old school was.

I've been trying to write, but I'm majorly stuck with my "novel" (not just exactly what it is just yet...) I'm at 87 pages and I have no clue what to do next. I'm also not sure how I should market it once it gets done... I'm thinking it's more young adult? Who knows. I'll concentrate on finishing it first. I'm also missing the abstract stuff I used to write, so maybe I'll try some of that soon.

Another episode of Toddlers and Tiaras is on tonight. I have never heard of Miss Georgia Spirit before, so this will be completely new for me. I was looking at the TV listings, and apparently an upcoming episode is called "The Chitlin' Strut." Um... what? Is that the name of the pageant? What is a chitlin', and how does it strut? Or are you supposed to strut *like* a chitlin'? I can strut with the best of them, but not like a chitlin'. Hmm... oh, but this is further incentive to finish my novelly-type thing, because it involves glitz pageants, and apparently those are popular right now... there's Toddlers and Tiaras, and Little Miss Perfect is starting soon, I believe (unless it started already... I don't even think I get that channel... oh well.) One of the cool things about all of these shows is that (I hope) if people get used to seeing pageants, they'll stop thinking of them as sick and weird and just think of them as a hobby that some people enjoy, like sports or dance or music. We'll see...

don't hold back; trust your gut reaction

Good: finally taking a math test that has been freaking me out for days because it got postponed due to snow, yellow cake with chocolate icing, getting to read the "Kit" American Girl books for work... and are they ever scandalous! I believe she is the first American Girl to go to jail, but correct me if I'm wrong about that...

Bad: my car going in for an inspection and having a leaky exhaust pipe and needing new brakes, having to work ALL DAY tomorrow because I am taking the shift for the "new person" that the boss is going to appoint to fill the spot I wanted and was very very qualified for. =(

More good: I get to observe for teaching soon!! AND I have this 80 hours requirement where I have to work with kids for that amount of time, but because of my job I already have a good portion of it finished... hurray! (Is it hurray or hooray? I think hooray looks funny.) AND, to expand on the good from before (because this will count as part of my requirement), the reason I'm reading the Kit books is that we are having one of the "famous" American Girl parties at work. And boy, are these things intense. We usually take about thirty girls (well, boys can come too, but I think we've only ever had one), and then there are waiting lists and people trying to sneak their kids in and the occasional pleading phone call... sometimes we have to do the same party twice if enough people really want to come. They are soooo much fun, though.

Even more good: "Toddlers and Tiaras" was AWESOME the other night. I was freaking out because I was so excited. I think this was the most positive portrayal of pageants I've ever seen on TV, except for maybe "Made" or one of those shows (but I'm thinking more of glitz pageants.) I didn't think any of the parents came across as particularly overbearing, except maybe Meaghan's mom when she was practicing her routine at the gym (but please, all parents get like that at some point) and Ava's dad when she didn't win (but keep in mind that he had a mic on, so it's not like he was yelling "OMG this freaking sucks"... he was whispering, and he wasn't cruel about it, or saying that the other girls were terrible, or anything.) I'll admit that I actually screamed "YOU GO GIRL" when Rebecca's mom came out in her swimsuit... I was sooo proud of her for having the guts to do that. You can't tell me there's nothing positive about pageants... if you can go out on stage in a swimsuit, particularly when you're middle-aged and not a size two, there is really nothing you can't do. I thought Ava's mom was absolutely beautiful, and Ava was precious. Meaghan was just great... she definitely didn't come across as the snobby pageant kid that most documentaries attempt to portray... she just seemed really normal, and I was glad for that. I didn't have a problem with her mother, I thought she was fine. Ava's dad was hilarious, and I just have a soft spot for pageant dads. And Rebecca was sweet, and as I mentioned earlier, her mom rocked. =D So now I am just waiting for next week, and already getting terrified because I have a feeling next week isn't going to be good. (On a side note, did anyone see the commercial for T&T where the little girl is having pink lip gloss put on her? Does she not look exactly like Brooke Breedwell from back in the day!?)

Wow... I can really get carried away with the pageant stuff. Haha. Speaking of pageants, I never commented on Miss America... and after reading tons of comments online about it, I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably the only person outside of her home state that wanted Miss Iowa to win. I keep seeing that she's "trashy" (she wasn't) and "small-town" (uh, who cares? Plenty of the girls are from small towns, I'm sure.) Indiana wasn't bad, though she was kind of hyped before the pageant and I had a feeling she would win. Georgia just screamed "Miss America" to me and I would have been very pleased if she won. I thought Hawaii should have progressed farther than she did... she was stunning. But overall, a good pageant, even if the whole "reality show" aspect does turn me off a bit...

Okay, I think I'll go try to relax now... and dream about new, non-fifteen-year-old-beat-up-broken-down cars appearing in my garage...

objectivity, anyone?

So tonight the new "Toddlers & Tiaras" airs. For those who don't know, T&T is a show on TLC that follows contestants (usually kids, but there are going to be some adults in the new ones, it seems) in pageant competitions. Of course, since I am one of the 0.0001% of people who supports children's pageantry (and all levels of pageantry, mostly, although I am not a big fan of swimsuit-only pageants), this is where I get to be pissed off. They had some of the kids on the talk shows this morning, and as usual when pageants are portrayed in the media, all objectivity is lost. Isn't that what journalism, and other related areas, are about? Not supporting either side, just trying to show the facts? Yeah, well, when it comes to pageants, that doesn't happen. Why? Well, I'm sure there are many reasons, but lately I've been thinking... it's "politically correct" to say pageants are disgusting and exploit children. If you give any indication that pageants are okay, or even give people the option of deciding for themselves, you might come across as sick or seriously messed up. Because people are brainwashed when it comes to pageants... and they're quite happy being brainwashed.

Whenever I bring up pageants, I expect to get the "JonBenet argument," and nine times out of ten, I do. (The tenth time, people make a weird face and go, "Uh..." and change the subject.) "But pageants are bad because JonBenet died and she was in pageants, so pageants killed her and the audience at pageants is full of pedophiles and the girls are being abused and, and, and..." Let's break this argument down piece by piece:

1) It has NEVER been proven that JonBenet's death had anything to do with pageants. JonBenet did not even compete in that many pageants.

2) The audience at pageants is NOT full of pedophiles. This, more than the whole "pageants killed JonBenet" bit, is what really gets me going. There is no better way to spot an ignorant person than when they make the "pageants are full of pedos" argument. It's very obvious that none of these people have ever been anywhere near a pageant. For the most part, pageant audiences are filled with moms, siblings, and grandmas... now, granted, a woman can be a pedophile, but you know most of the people insisting that pedophiles love pageants are imagining the creepy guy with binoculars in the back of the ballroom. A few more notes about the audience in pageants...
A) Almost always, you MUST have a door pass to get in, and you must wear it at all times. So no creeps are sneaking in and out; if they were, and didn't have a pass, they would be stopped IMMEDIATELY. Sure, pedos can buy a pass, but...
B)... at most pageants, the audience is never particularly full, as there is only one person at a time onstage (except for group lineup), and most other people are running around the hotel, getting everything ready for their turn onstage. Any outsider would be noticed immediately...
C)... because in the pageant world, almost everyone knows everyone. Not only that, but pageant people do love to gossip, and aren't afraid to speak up... so if there was a creep lurking around at pageants, everyone would know in about five seconds, and the pageant moms would boot him out the door and make sure he wasn't able to move for a month.
So, could there be a pedophile at pageants? Well, sure. Anyone could be anywhere. But is it likely? Furthermore, is it likely to the degree that most outsiders assume it is (an audience packed with pedophiles?) No.

3) I guarantee you that at least one child in pageants is being, or has been, abused. I also guarantee you that you can go to a school or mall or other crowded public place and find children there that have never been anywhere near a pageant, but are being abused. Pageants do not equal abuse. Or exploitation. Or any other big bad word that you care to throw around. If putting makeup on children was abuse, dance recitals and competitive cheerleading would be finished. Moms would be arrested for buying Lip Smackers for their third-graders. Oh, and that gets me thinking... hey, if pageants are really that bad? The police KNOW about pageants. The whole world knows about pageants. And yet, they still exist. Hmm...

So, if someone was willing to see things from another angle, my argument might actually make sense to them. But, as I've learned over the years, no one is willing to see things in any way other than their own. I can't tell you how many times I've told people these exact same things, and they either just stare at me for a few moments and then say, "You're sick/messed up/crazy," or start all over again, "But pageants are baaaaad/abuse/exploitation..." Like I said, people enjoy being brainwashed. It's certainly easier to go with what the media says about pageants than to come to your own conclusion.

good vs. bad part 2

More good/bad for yesterday...

Good: Obama's inauguration, really interesting classes

Bad: Getting pulled over two blocks from home for running a stop sign THAT DOES NOT EXIST. Not only has there not been a stop sign there for years, I stopped anyway because it's a dangerous intersection... and STILL got pulled over. Awesome. Although the other time I got pulled over, it was when I had my permit and I was "driving two miles too slow" and "looked like an old lady having a heart attack." Uh... I was 16, how do 16-year-olds look like old ladies having heart attacks?! Yeah. Good times. And at least I didn't get a ticket either time... !!!

good vs. bad

Good: Going back to school... and loving it!
Bad: First official rejection on a story (unofficial being stuff I submitted for school publications, I suppose)... boo!

More later =)

goodbye future

So there's a 95% chance that I won't get to go to college now. Yeah. And not because I was rejected, but because I was lied to and screwed over. Good times. I seriously just don't think college is for me... I mean, I've always done well grades-wise, but someone or something is trying to tell me to give up already. It is just not meant to work out for me. But what can I even do? What do you do when you're a writer and your life is a mess? Well, we all know the answer to that; you either become an alcoholic/drug addict (not my scene) or move to New York (definitely not my scene, as I've already lived there before.) I seriously feel like there is just nothing I can do. I'm tied down to everything, even when there's seemingly nothing holding me back. What about California? Well, for me, that's clear across the country, and my mom would faint if I told her I was moving there... and then pretty much tie me up to make sure I don't go. Of course, she said I could never move to New York, and I did that, so we'll see. But do I even want to go there? I don't think I want to move to LA... maybe San Francisco, that could be nice. But, yet again, I've heard that the environment I escaped in New York is extremely prevalent there, and there's no point going back to that again. The "artist's" (I know not everyone thinks of writers as artists) life just seems to be not for me.

Time to go figure out what to do with my life...

donde esta?

Oh dear, my readers are gone =(

Well, I had a vote on a different site, and the title for my story is "Saving My Sister's Halo." I also submitted it somewhere, so we'll see what happens there. I might submit something to another site too, but we'll see what happens with that.

On a dramatic note, I am going to DIE. Not just because I have a headache that keeps coming back and feels like it's right behind my eye (and it alternates eyes every day, I swear)... but because college starts next Monday, and they STILL haven't told me if I got in yet. Yeah, that's a little on the late side. Granted, I probably should have applied earlier, but in my defense, I was told I would get an answer sooner than this... so I guess we all messed up a little. Well, as long as they let me know today or tomorrow (preferably today, but I expect it'll be tomorrow) I will be happy. And, also, as long as no one makes any snarky comments about my new school... but we all know how people are.

Well, I better go to work. I don't even want to get started on all the drama there... can anyone say 'job sabotage'? Ha... fun times, only NOT.

Want to pick a title for my story?

Dear (very few, but very awesome) readers...

Want to have a say in the title of a short story... one written by me? Well, you can! I am planning on submitting this story to magazines (well, at least one, I'm still looking into others) within the week, but I need a title. Please leave a comment with your vote! The choices are:

One Memory A Day
Something to Go By
Getting Rid of My Sister’s Halo
The Only Heart-Shaped Headstone
Saving My Sister’s Halo
My Sister’s Halo
First Grade with a Headpiece

Please only vote for ONE title. It messes up the vote if some people vote for one, and others vote for like three. If you hate all of the titles, let me know that as well, but please don't suggest your own title... I don't like the idea of "stealing" a title someone else provided. The original title was "Something to Go By," in case you were wondering, but I'm not totally sure about that. Thanks for voting!

EDIT: Vote is over! "Saving My Sister's Halo" won!

here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown...

Okay, I'm not as suicidal as I sound, I promise. I've decided (at least for tonight) to try to make the best of things. I am working on cleaning up some of my short stories, and planning on sending out at least one of them during the week. I am also thinking about doing a pageant this summer... it would give me lots of time to prepare. I'm not sure if I should use one of my old gowns or buy a new one (I have like... seven... maybe more? haha), but I'm leaning toward getting a new one. That will definitely cheer me up... I LOVE gown shopping. Seriously, it's the only thing I miss about high school... shopping for prom and semiformal gowns. I should probably become a special event personal shopper for as much as I love it, but not everyone wants to wear pink puffy dresses all the time. (But to my credit, I only own one pink puffy gown... I resisted the urge to buy more. As in, I also have a straight pink dress and a puffy coral one, for a little variety. Haha.)

And as for school, I find out this week if I get in or not. And if I do get in, I'm going to give up on all the negative perceptions and bad ideas I have about it... I already know I like the school, so I'm not going to worry about what people there will think of me, or what other people will think of me going there. It's a step in the right direction, and if other people don't realize that and want to make their little comments, they can feel free. Every little comment they make is a step in the wrong direction... toward HELL. Haha, I crack myself up... sometimes.

new year, same me

I try to tell myself things will get better, but I need to be realistic. I'm not good enough for myself, and I'm certainly not good enough for anyone else. Everyone knows that I've failed and it's over. I need to stop dreaming... it's over.